Just Plain Tired

Tired of being alone. Tired of dealing with everything. Tired of trying to decide who my real friends are. Tired of wondering who cares and who doesn't. Tired of caring. I'm just freakin' tired.

I know I'm just having one of those moments, but no one is here to listen to me. 95% of the US is in a wonderful coma and my husband is on the other side of the world working for freedom. Since no one can listen, I write.

I hate this. I hate feeling and thinking "I've got this; I'm superwoman," and realizing later that I'm really not. I hate it when I stop and have a moment to actually realize that I'm freakin' miserable without my husband here. He's my best friend. The only one I know without a doubt that I can trust with anything I say.  I don't ever worry what he thinks if I say something stupid or walk into a wall. I know those things don't matter to him. Everyone else, though? I just don't know.

I hate coming home to an empty house. After the brigade meeting last night, I actually expected him to be sitting on the couch when I got home. Really. I did. That doesn't happen too often. I hate sleeping in an empty bed {although I might change my mind about that when he comes home}. 

Most of all, I hate not having someone to talk to all hours of the day. Talking to Jasper just isn't quite as fun, even though he is a phenomenal listener. 

This might be Debbie Downer talking, but sometimes I really wonder... If I'm such a great, fun person to be around...why am I always at home? I know the door of friendship opens both ways, but I'm not exactly what you'd call an extrovert. I'm socially awkward. Translation: if you wanna hang out with me, you're probably going to have to ask me to do something. I don't invite myself to people's houses. If I do think "Hey, I wanna hang out with ___ today," I usually talk myself out of making the call/text thinking they've already got something planned/are too busy. That's just me. And maybe that's why I've been sitting by myself at home for God knows how long. Maybe I only have myself to blame. It sucks and I just. can't. help it. 

K from the museum told me about a month ago that being married spoiled me...because I always had/have someone to do things with. Yeah, probably so. But when your husband is your best friend, why would you really need to spend a lot of time with other people? No awkward moments, no wondering what the other person thinks...you just go and do and live. And that all works fine...in the civilian world. 

I feel like I'm rambling. I probably am. Like I said, I'm tired. Physically, mentally and emotionally. I'm sure it really doesn't help that I haven't heard my husband's voice in over a week now. I know it's almost over, but right now it doesn't feel like I can make it another minute. I can't wait for this to be over.

If you've made it this far without clicking over to the next blog on your reader list, thanks. =)

Much less depressing post tomorrow, I promise. I just needed to write it all out.