In the past, when it's come time for us to move, I've been ready. When I moved to be with Joe during his training, I was just ready for us to be together again - it didn't really matter where it was. When he got orders to Hawaii, I was beyond thrilled to have the opportunity to live there (and you know, SEE Hawaii!) even if it meant leaving family. Our time there turned out to be much different than I had ever imagined, but I still wouldn't trade it. When it came time to leave Hawaii and come back to GA, I was ready. Hesitant to say goodbye to the place where I became a mom (and earned my milspouse stripes), I was still ready for the next thing. When word came that we would be moving early next year....even I was surprised at my extreme desire to stay here. (Though I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that we bought a house here, because of Joe's plans to ETS.)
Until this weekend, I wasn't ready to go.
I had a girls' night planned for this party Friday evening. I invited everyone I could think of that I know here. (And even a few people I didn't! Hello, outside my comfort zone.) I had even decided to set up my Jamberry stuff so that we could have fun and do our nails. (And, okay, I'd be lying if I said I didn't hope to get some sales or bookings out of it.) But really, I wanted to have friends over. I think I let myself believe (somehow) that if I had real friends here, that if I was doing something in my community - making a difference, making connections - that God wouldn't make me leave. (...I don't even know....)
I spent the entire day prepping. I had Joe help me do some cleaning the night before, but with 2 kiddos I had more to do that day, too. I cooked, I cleaned, I even ran out to get a few more things - with both kids, on a cold, cloudy day that I would have much rather been cuddling on the couch with them! They were cranky because I was busy all day. I was cranky because they were cranky. Then I get a text from Joe saying his supervisors (powers that be, whoever they are) were making them stay late. Meaning I'd somehow have to get the kids to bed myself before the party started. EEEEEK! Hello, more stress. Miraculously, he arrived home just as I was feeding a very cranky Millie. I put Charlotte to bed while Joe scarfed down a quick dinner. She's been fussy with her bedtime routine lately, so I didn't notice the time when I put her down.
10 minutes after party time and no one had arrived.
I checked my phone to find a last-minute cancellation. Texted another girl who had been a 'maybe'.
15 minutes.
20 minutes.
I cried. I cleaned up my supplies. Put the food away.
Cried some more while my husband tried to cheer me.
Texted my bestie a few times.
Don't know what I'd do without those 2. ^
I know if a few friends had been available, they would have been here. A couple were out of town, another had a previous engagement, just bad timing for a couple others.
But in the end it left me feeling.....unloved, I guess. Not because of the Jamberry/sales thing. Jamberry isn't my/our livelihood. I do it because I enjoy it, and the product. No, it upset me because it made me realize what few real friends I've made here.
I don't think anyone is to blame, really. I've put myself out there - going to PWOC every week I've been able. We were in small group at our church for a while, but it fizzled out due to crazy schedules. The 2 people I was closest to (and who helped me many times while Joe was TDY back in February) have since moved. I keep in touch with one of them, but it's not the same as having someone come sit on your couch. I know I'm introverted (and incredibly awkward in social situations pretty frequently), which is why I've tried as much as I can.
Now?
I think I'm ready to move on - to 'reboot' and start new somewhere else. I love our house, this town, and our church.... But these aren't things to hold on to. Yes, finding someone to rent our house (and dealing with all that comes with renting) will be a hassle. No, I may not like another town as much as this one. No, finding a new church won't be easy (it never is). But why should these things matter?
Right now I'm realizing that as long as I have my family and Jesus, I've got all that really matters. And when it comes right down to it, as long as I've got the love of Jesus I'm getting far more than I ever deserve. So my husband and kids are even more blessings, which is why I tried to spend the rest of the weekend focusing on them instead of trying to hold on to something not worthwhile.
My goal for this week is to just focus on Jesus, my family, and spending some time with my much-neglected sewing machine. I'm hoping to list a few fun things in my Etsy shop soon, if any one is interested.
Here's to refocusing, readjusting, and rebooting life -- all thanks to God's daily, fresh mercies.
