This is a post I never, ever in a million years wanted to write. I suppose I don't even have to, but I know it'll be healing for me and possibly help others. So here I am. Sharing another detail of my life that I never thought would happen - at least not to me. I would love to write this with eloquence and precision, but I'm not sure it's going to come out that way. When such emotion surrounds something like this, it's hard to put into words exactly how you feel.

Last week our family suffered a sudden loss. There was no real warning, no signs of anything being wrong...until it was wrong.

Much to everyone's surprise, we found out a few weeks ago that I was pregnant. I was incredibly shocked and also overwhelmed at the thought of having 2 babies under 2 years old. Obviously there are many women who do it (and have done it), but I just wasn't ready. I spent a few days feeling extremely overwhelmed and upset. But the longer I thought - and prayed - about it, the more confident and encouraged I became. I had my OB registration appointment and was really looking forward to hearing our second little one's heartbeat. 

I never got that chance.

The day before Valentine's Day was set to be a fairly busy one. Joe took Jasper to the vet at 8am and then had to go to work. I needed to get groceries at some point during the day, so I took him to work after he brought Jasper home. Once Joe was at work and Charlotte was down for a nap, I did a little blogging. I was excited to share our news with all of you. Once the post was written and saved as a draft, I headed for the shower. 

It was only then I knew something was wrong. 

I never bled even once when I was pregnant with Charlotte. I cramped something fierce the entire first trimester, but never bled. I had been cramping on and of for the last week with this one, but given my history I didn't worry about it. But this? This wasn't right. I knew it.

After my shower, I dressed, called Joe, ate, fed Charlotte and picked Joe up from worked. We headed to Tripler to find out what was going on. They did blood work and then we waited for over 2 hours. 2 very painful, scary hours. We waited again in a room, until finally a nurse came and asked if I'd been seen. Apparently they lost my chart. Anyhow, a doctor finally came in and did an ultrasound.

The baby was too small to be 8 weeks. It looked about 6 weeks, according to the doctor. I knew that this baby was much smaller than Charlotte had been at 8 weeks and she is a tiny baby. I knew something wasn't right. They couldn't find a heartbeat, but that's not uncommon for a 6 week baby. The doctor didn't see anything particularly concerning and my HcG levels weren't abnormal for 6 weeks either. We left with no real answers.

Valentine's Day was worse. Much worse. I bled. I cramped - more like contracted. I knew. It was too much, all of it. I knew there was nothing short of a miracle that would keep a baby alive with all that going on.

Joe had to work. His NCOs weren't sympathetic at all. He wasn't able to come home until around 6, so I spent the day with Charlotte trying not to let her see how much pain I was in. Although, having her here was also a good thing. Sometimes the only relief I felt was when I nursed her. {I had made the decision when we found out I was pregnant that I'd breastfeed her until she weaned herself, even through a pregnancy.}

Later that evening, our baby went to be with Jesus. 

It's still shocking to think about. It happened so quickly, and with no real warning. Maybe there were signs along the way that I missed, but I'll never know for sure. 

This pain...is indescribable. All I can really say is that I feel empty.

Source: tumblr.com via Lori on Pinterest

It's been very hard for the last week. I go between laughing at my sweet girl {and I'm thanking God every minute for that girl} and crying over our second baby. Or crying over pregnancy and ultrasound photos on FB and everywhere else on the internet. It's not that I don't want other people to be happy - I do. It's just a grieving for something precious I won't get this time around.

Ever since I found this on Pinterest, I've been clinging to it. It's comforting, somehow, to know that this pain will be for good someday. 

I also found a blog post somewhere that a woman wrote about her miscarriage. She said she found comfort knowing her baby never felt pain or sadness, or any of the terrible things in this world. I'm trying to do the same... And I'm trying to focus on the fact that she (I don't know what the baby was, but it's easier to have a pronoun to use :)) is in heaven running around, playing and laughing. My bestie and I like to believe our angel babies - just a few months apart - are up there playing together, talking about how silly their mommies are. It is tough to think about not having them here on earth, but we do have the hope that we'll see them in heaven one day. And I like to believe that she's watching us and knows how much we love her, even though we never met or held her.

Oddly enough, I just finished reading Harry Potter... One thing that's stuck with me is a line Dumbledore says to Harry near the end, "Do not pity the dead, Harry, pity the living."

So far, each day is different. Some days are easy, happy days where I remember my baby, but don't feel intense pain. Some days are hard, sad days. I refuse to be stuck in sadness all the time. That's not what God wants for me. My baby is in heaven, happy, loved, and pain-free. It may be sad to not have her here, but she is not sad.

I do ask, though, that you pray for us and our family. Specifically, for peace and comfort. I think it's safe to say that all our worlds have been rocked. Even though this little one wasn't with us for long she was loved, wanted, and anticipated.

With so much going on right now, I may not be posting much. Just bear with me and keep us in your prayers. 


Snippets: What Happens When You're Tired

Joe's been working long hours for a couple weeks now. Nothing surprising or even out of the ordinary these days. {And just for the record, all this stuff has been going on for about a year now. Loooove the Army. Hope you caught the sarcasm there.} Either because of the long hours or just because we're both a little crazy...these things have happened in our house recently. 

Scene: Getting ready for bed. I notice he has some sort of code written on his hand.

Me: They let you leave with stuff like that written on your hand, but you can't have your phone because it's COMSEC?

Joe: It's actually OPSEC, but, yeah.

Me: Oh, whatever. Seems like it's more like OPEH...

Joe: OPMEH - you know, do whatever you want.

Me: OP whatevs. It's cool. 

Both: *die laughing*

Hahahaha!!! If you followed that...kudos. 


Scene: I had just finished pumping and we were about to get ready for bed.

Me: Hey, can you do this? I need to put the milk away.

Joe: I thought that's what you did when you put your shirt on.

Me: Ha ha. Very funny.

Ah, the joys of breastfeeding. It makes life more interesting. Or something like that.


This one's a bit more complicated. He had taken his dishes and then went to get clothes and get dressed for work. He left, I put the baby to bed and then....

I found his dishes in the bathroom! Y'all. I laughed so hard when I found this!!! Normally I'm the one trying to put things in weird places! {Like putting the milk in the microwave... Or cereal in the fridge.} So of course, I had no choice but to text him.

His response is even better than finding his dishes in a random spot! LOL! I even asked him what kind of experiment it was, and he told me not to worry about it. Haha! I think he was embarrassed... Shhhhh.  Don't tell him I blogged about it! Of course, if you follow me on Instagram, you already know this. But I thought it was worth sharing a second time. ;-)

So, what happens when you're tired?


Wednesday Walkabout - #24!

Welcome to the another week of Wednesday Walkabout! Thank you so much for hanging out with us, linking up, and reading new blogs.  =)

A little info about the Walkabout:

This is a weekly linky party with myself and 3 other co-hosts. The idea? Just put your URL in the linky (it can be a specific post or your "homepage"- whichever you prefer), visit a few other blogs, and possibly make some new friends. Easy peasy, right?!

Oh, and you only have to link up with ONE of the co-hosts. =) 

There are just a few quick rules we've set for the linky party...

1. Please follow at least ONE hostess, and let us know you're a new follower and how you follow!

Sarah - G.I. Joe's Wife (That's me!)
Chantal - Scattered Seashells 
Jane - Taingamala 
Jamie - Handling With Grace

This week's Mystery Host is.... Taylor from Dear Olympia!  Go check her out!

2. Try to visit 3-4 blogs that interest you. Take some time and let them know where you came from.

3. Grab the button from my sidebar and spread the word! (Not required, but just cool if you do.) The more, the merrier.

Thanks for stopping by! Happy blog-hopping!


PCS Part One - Check!

On Friday afternoon, movers/packers came to pick up our unaccompanied baggage! So now, a small portion of our schtuff is on its way to Georgia!

I thought we'd have more stuff to send ahead, but this is all I could think of at the time! The one thing I was really kind of upset about was sending my red pots and pans that you can see on the bar there. They're my absolute favorite and I use them everyday. I'm so not thrilled about using my stainless steel everything-sticks-to-them pans. BUT, I only have to deal with them for another month!

Funny story: Joe told the people at transportation to estimate 1,000 pounds for our unaccompanied baggage! Hahahaha! How on earth could we possibly use that much weight?! You can't send furniture or anything else "big." Ah, my husband. =) Stand back, ladies. He's all mine. LOL

We've got lodging set up here for when the rest of our stuff goes. We need to set it up on the other end, too. Our flights are booked.

Just one step closer to getting off this rock and back to the mainland! One. More. Month! =)


The Sleep Issue

I'm just gonna come out and say it, and hope no one gets offended. *deep breath* Here goes.

I don't understand people who don't sleep train their babies.

Whew. There, I said it! I feel better now. ;-)

Even before I got pregnant with Charlotte, I didn't really get it. I mean, who doesn't want sleep?! I know I sure do! And once people close to me started talking about BabyWise and doing BabyWise (though it isn't the only method), I understood even less. Now? Now I don't understand at all.

Maybe it really doesn't work for everyone. I don't know. I don't know everyone's kids. Maybe some people would just rather sleep with their babies in their bed/room. I don't know! I certainly don't claim to know everything!

But I really do feel bad for people I see posting on FB about their kids' sleep...or lack thereof. Meanwhile, mine is snoozing away, has a bedtime of 7pm and gets up around 7am. Her first nap is around 9, second around 1, and the occasional third is around 4:30/5. This happens every day. It's not rocket science, and I know what to expect from her. 

Ah, look how tiny she was just a few months ago...!

I honestly feel bad for parents whose kids don't sleep through the night. Because we had a few weeks recently where Charlotte was getting up in the middle of the night...or early in the morning. And I really felt like I was going to lose my mind. She was cranky, over tired, and mostly inconsolable. Naps sucked. Everything sucked. She was clingy, yet into everything. If I took something away from her, we entered Meltdown City. If I tried to put her down for a nap? World War 3. I felt like I had lost my happy, independent, sleeping baby. 

And then, one day... She slept. And angels sang. ;-) Well, they sang in my head, anyway!

And then I felt even more terrible for my non-sleep training pseudo friends on FB. {They're pseudo, because who really talks to ALL their friends on FB? Come on, now. Be honest.} I now know what it's like! Kind of. It sucks! I want sleep! My baby is cranky without sleep! How do they do it?! Over the holidays, one of my friends told me that "every day is different" with her daughter - as far as her sleep goes. Honestly? I can't imagine! While Charlotte does wake up anywhere from 7-8am on a normal day...our schedule is still pretty much the same. Not only does her daughter not sleep through the night, but she has no idea what her day will be like?! To me, that's just nuts.

I mean, yeah. Sleep training is kinda hard. You have to really stick with it. Your "job" isn't over when they start sleeping through the night, although that is a fantastic benefit and milestone. I still have to "train" Charlotte that 3 naps is okay, that she needs to sleep a certain amount of time during the day. And sometimes...that includes crying it out because she needs sleep. And that part? It really, really sucks. I hate it just as much as the next mom. Just because I use CIO doesn't mean I like it. 

I suppose, to some degree, letting her pass out whenever she felt like it would be easier. There's less work involved, that's for sure. I just don't think I could handle it. Not knowing when the next nap will be? Not knowing when bedtime is? Not knowing how long she'll sleep at night? No, that I could not do. 

This picture still makes me laugh!!!

So. As for me and my house, we will sleep train. And we will love it. ;-)