Me & GD

It's officially official [again]:

       I have Gestational Diabetes. {GD, for short.}

At my last OB appointment, I had to take the 1 hr glucose test. Something every pregnant woman looks forward to, right? Hahaha! It's not really the worst thing in the world, but it's definitely no picnic either. Fortunately my experience this time around wasn't so bad. When the lab tech took my blood, I was told that the results would be in the next day and no phone call would basically mean all is well.

Naturally, when 5PM rolled around the following day, I was ecstatic! No GD this time! I can eat ALL THE CARBS without feeling guilty! Woohoo! Thursday rolled around, which meant so many yummy snacks at PWOC. I celebrated by sampling, um...a lot...of the options. (Come on. You know you'd do the same!)

Later that day as I was cooking dinner, the phone rang. It was a number I didn't recognize, but it was local so I answered. It was my OB's nurse, and the news wasn't good. I failed the 1 hr test. It wasn't exactly a surprise, but I was still taken aback. I think it's only normal considering it took them 48 hours to let me know. You'd think that having a history of GD would prompt them to call me a little quicker with the results. Anyway, I did get upset about it. I had thought I was fine - that I wouldn't have to prick myself 4 times a day from here to Millie's birth day. I wouldn't have to count every carb, or try to find something I could eat if we went out to dinner. Pregnancy hormones being what they are - and doing what they do - I broke down and cried.

After talking with my bestie and my MIL, I decided to give my OB a call the next day and beg out of the 3 hr glucose test. If you've taken it before, you know that this test is far worse than the 1 hr. You have to fast after midnight, go in early and drink that sickeningly sweet drink, and then endure 3 blood draws - each 1 hour apart. When I did this with Charlotte I almost passed out twice. The lab techs had problems drawing my blood, and I really just felt awful the entire time. I really didn't want to repeat this experience....and with my husband out in the field. Thankfully, my OB is awesome and allowed me to test my sugar at home this week. 

After finding out I failed the 1 hr test, I decided to get back on the low carb train. As a result, my blood sugar has been nearly perfect. So this is me....accepting that I have GD once again. It's not exactly fun (my fingers are already killing me!), but it's not the end of the world either. I've also noticed that I have quite a bit more energy than I did before. I know that this is due in large part to my blood sugar levels...and all those stinkin' carbs I had been eating. Now, I do still feel tired throughout the day - that's just pregnancy for you. (Not to mention wrangling a toddler!) But I can tell that I feel able to do more and that's a big deal. I honestly kind of hate that I didn't realize this before. I mean, you'd think that someone who had been down this road once before would recognize the signs/symptoms. I hate to think what it did to my little baby's pancreas, too. (Theirs will produce more insulin to keep their sugar where it should be...which isn't a good thing!) 

This is my life: giving myself "ouchies" 4x a day. Le sigh.

There's nothing I can do to change it now, though, so I try not to worry. As long as I can keep my sugar under control with diet, I will be happy! That was my goal once I was diagnosed with it last time, and that's my goal this time as well. I'm not a fan of carb-counting, but I know it's for the best and it's definitely a healthy way of eating and living. 

So, here's to having GD for a second time...and kicking its butt! ;-)


Due Date

Today is going to be a hard day - one that I've been dreading since February.

Today was my due date for our second baby (who we named Sam, because we - I - needed the baby to have a name), who we lost to miscarriage on Valentine's Day. In some ways, I feel like I have already done my grieving for this day.

When we found out I was pregnant in January, we found out that friends of ours were also expecting. Her due date was 3 days after mine. Her oldest is 3 weeks younger than Charlotte. We were kind of excited to have someone to chat with about having 2 under 2, and going through it together [even though we were moving in March]. My miscarriage obviously changed things. Once we moved to Georgia, I had kind of a tough time seeing all her bump pictures and pregnancy-related posts on FB. It was gut-wrenching. Eventually I hid her on FB, but forgot that I still followed her on Instagram. 2 weeks ago, she posted that she was in labor.

That day was a very hard day for me. Very. Maybe it will be worse than today, and maybe not. I don't know yet. I do know that I was in tears for most of the day. It's so heartbreaking to know that I would be going through labor (or maybe even have a newborn) right now if I hadn't miscarried. The nursery would be set up, bags would be packed, visitors/helpers would be planned. It just....hurts.

But at the same time, if I hadn't lost Sam I wouldn't have Millie. And I can't wish her away, no matter how much the pain of losing one baby causes me. I am so, so thankful to have her kicking away in my belly as I type this. I'm thankful that she's healthy, and I'm so looking forward to meeting and holding her. Her presence, however, doesn't diminish the pain of loss. It doesn't replace the baby I loved and lost.

I truly don't have the words to explain how I feel about this - about today. I wish I did. Or I wish someone else did, so that I could say, "Yes! THIS is how I feel!" These feelings are so...complex and intermingled that I'm not sure how anyone could ever explain it perfectly. 

Today, I remember. I grieve. I hurt. I cherish the babies I have here with me right now. I remind myself that my baby - the baby I lost - is happy and healthy in heaven with Jesus, and a Father who loves him/her far more than I ever could. Our pastor shared a story this weekend about a 10 year old girl who told her mother what heaven looked like as she was dying [from cancer]. She told her mother that it was beautiful, that she saw Jesus and so many children who were playing on swings. She told her mother that she wanted to go and play... So today, I'm going to picture my baby playing on those swings in the presence of Jesus.


26 Week Bump

How far along? 26 weeks! 1 more week till 3rd trimester. I can't even believe it.

Size of baby: The size of a leek... OR about 13.75 inches. (Or smaller, considering this is my baby we're talking about. ;))

Maternity clothes? Yes, indeedy! I've pretty much given up on most of my regular clothes, except for a few shirts that really just get worn around the house. Plus, I really don't want to stretch out any of my pre-preg shirts. I did that with Charlotte and totally regret it. (Now if only I had the budget to buy more maternity tops... Le sigh.)

Best moment this week: Joe coming home from the field a day early! And knowing that we totally rocked a week without Daddy. It wasn't all fun and games (and I was SO TIRED), but we made it! Now to figure out how to do it solo with two babies. Yikes.

Miss anything? SUGAR. Hello, round 2 of gestational diabetes.... (More on that later.)

Movement: Oh, yeah! I still say she's not quite as active as Charlotte was, but she's still doing plenty of moving. =)

Food cravings: Nothing really specific lately... Just all the sweets that I shouldn't have. No surprise there.

Food aversions: None, really.

Gender: It's a GIRL!

Labor signs: None! I have only had one bout of Braxton Hicks in the last week or so. More water helps. 

Sleep: Not so bad, but not wonderful either. I keep having weirdo dreams, and/or waking up sweating. Thanks, hormones.

Symptoms: Heartburn. Back and hip pain, although those are alleviated with a little bit of prenatal yoga. Thank you, Jesus.

Belly button in or out? Still in...for now.

Looking forward to: Ordering fabric for Millie's bedding (finally made a decision on the design and fabric, with a little help from the bestie!), and starting on her quilt. And I'm definitely looking forward to cooler temps this week!! It's my first fall in...4 years and I am EXCITED! :)


25 Weeks!

How far along? 25 weeks! Cuh-razy. {Note to self: you should probably start working on baby stuff. Soon.}

Size of baby: About 13 inches...or the size of a celery stalk.

Maternity clothes? Oh, yeah. I can still get away with some non-maternity things, but not many! Besides, maternity clothes (or yoga pants) or way more comfortable anyway. ;-)

Best moment this week: Seeing her on the ultrasound at my doctor's appointment last week!

Miss anything? Not having heartburn all the time ranks pretty high on the list of things being missed. Haha!

Movement: Oh, my, yes! I take back everything I said about Millie being more calm than Charlotte. She's very much a moving, grooving baby! I love it. :) {Well, when she's not hurting me.}

Food cravings: Everything sweet. =P Which is not a good thing because I failed my 1 hr glucose test (surprise, surprise) and I'm pretty sure my OB is gonna slap the GD diagnosis on me again. *SIGH*

Food aversions: I think I'm pretty much past all that, but there are a few things I'm still cautious around.

Gender: It's a GIRL! 

Labor signs: I've had a few Braxton Hicks lately (which are strong enough to make me want to sit!), but nothing other than that.

Sleep: Pretty good...as long as I stay up late. Getting comfortable is difficult sometimes, and I usually have to get up for a potty break, but it's not terrible.

Symptoms: Heartburn. Oh, the heartburn! Minor back and hip pain. You know, the usual.

Belly button in or out? Still in, but slowly working its way out. It's starting to look weird!

Looking forward to: Charlotte getting over her cold, and this week being over. (Probably a bad thing to say on a Monday, huh?) Joe will be in the field all week, so I'm preparing for a very long, tiring week. Yay, me. I also have a project or two planned, so hopefully I'll get to it and post it! 

I'd definitely appreciate your prayers this week while Joe is gone. We will obviously survive, but my hormones may not. ;-)


Because We Matter

You may remember that, in late July/early August, I made a decision to swap OBs. Even before that, I had decided to take the "civilian" healthcare route. I'd had the military experience once, and while it was good for the most part, I wanted something different this time. After today, I have no doubt that I made the best decision in choosing to see a doctor off post...and then switching doctors halfway through my pregnancy.

Truthfully, my pregnancy in Hawaii was fine (other than the GD, of course). I was taken care of. Medically, anyway. I was seen by at least half a dozen doctors, none of whom I remember. I was mostly prepared for that, because that's just part of it, right? I had ultrasounds, blood work, urine samples, check-ups... All of it. But the whole time - especially once I was being seen at Tripler - I felt like a number. In fact, when you check in to the OB clinic at Tripler, you have to take a number. No kidding. It's all very rushed. Very military. Hurry up and wait. Do this. Do that. See ya next time. Sure, most of the doctors I saw were friendly. But now I wonder how much they truly cared about me.

At my first appointment off post (with the first doctor), I felt at ease. I had to wait a while, but that's normal with any doctor. The staff was kind. My doctor was very nice and friendly. Obviously busy, but friendly. I really never had any issues with her, and enjoyed seeing her. It was the hospital policies I was really concerned about.

Everything changed when I saw this new doctor, Dr. P, we'll call her. At my first visit with her, she asked me questions. She encouraged me to ask questions about her, about her practice. She floored me when she said that she felt it was her place to be my advocate - to help me have the kind of birth *I* wanted. Yeah, she said that. No agenda. No "my way, or the highway."

And then there was today. The dreaded glucose test. Oh, how I hate that thing!! The sickeningly sweet drink, the fasting, the waiting, the icky feeling....it's all awful. And yet....today it wasn't all that terrible. 

The drink was still mostly gross. I still feel icky afterward. But I also got taken care of. After a nurse took my vitals, I waited in the lobby a while and read. I watched as the receptionist handed a daddy in the lobby a bottle of apple juice, and offered it to others in the room. Then, I was taken back to a room, where I could, like...relax.

When it was time for my blood to be drawn, the lab tech came to me. Not only that, she asked me if I had good veins, and where. I'm a hard stick, so I tell every lab tech I see the same thing (whether they ask or not): I have good veins in my forearms, and sometimes in the creases, but they're hard to get to. Most of the time, they go ahead and try for the one I've just said is a hard stick...and then they hurt me, and end up getting from my forearm. This lady? She listened to me. One stick, 2 vials, and done. And then she asked me if I wanted some chips. I about fell out of the chair, ya'll. Obviously I was shocked, but I managed to utter a "yes, that would be fantastic." She left with my 2 vials of blood and came back minutes later with my precious snack. (Which I proceeded to devour while watching TV with my feet up.)

When Dr. P came in, I made sure to mention how much I appreciated the snack. Her response just kind of shocked me. "...My best training to be an OB came from being a mom [from having babies]. I always dug in my purse for snacks after the glucose test. So when I opened my own practice, I make sure we keep snacks on hand for all my patients. Because I've been there." That right there is what I love most about this doctor. She isn't all about the medicine, although that is important. She focuses on the person

When I look back on Charlotte's pregnancy, and how much those doctors shoved me around, it makes me so frustrated. By the time they were done with me during my OB appointments and NSTs, I could hardly tell my head from my hand. I was rushed in and out of the OB clinic, antepartum clinic, and lab. I barely got answers to my questions, and I only half-knew any of the doctors I saw. Not to mention the fact that none of the nurses even attempted to get my [last] name right. Nor did they ever call me by name, or pretend to know my due date from my chart. I was a number. Just another pregnant military wife. 

It may have cost us a bit of money for me to be seen off post here, but it is 100% worth it. I'm not a number; I'm a person. I'm a person who is growing - and will birth - another person. I matter. My baby matters. We deserve to be cared for.


My Bean

It's hardly fair of me to call her that anymore. Well, except for the fact that she's still teeny. We're fairly certain her 6 month old cousin has surpassed her in weight. This does not surprise me at all.

I hate that I haven't posted much of anything about her since, like, her birthday. Mommy fail. She has changed so much since then, it's not even funny.

She was still crawling then, not walking. She was still babbling then, not using words. I was still "mama." Joe was still "dada." Jasper was just fun to watch. Toys were thrown, books were eaten. Onesies, not tshirts, were the norm. Shoes? We don't need no stinking shoes. Outside was boring. Cabinets had nothing in them to explore. The high chair was for eating in, not pushing around. Mommy had all the milks, which was needed at least 4x a day.


So many changes. Walking. She started walking the second or third week of June, and hasn't really looked back. For a while, she would crawl when she wanted to get somewhere fast, but not much anymore. Now, when she does crawl, we're perplexed. Because why crawl when you can walk?! Crazy kid. She's trying out the running thing, but she's been face-planting a whole lot lately. Sorry kid. You got your mama's klutz gene.


Talking. (Words that other people can understand.) Mommy. Daddy. Jappa (Jasper). Up. Down. "Peer" (up here). Bunny. "Bankie." Shoes. 'Side. Bye-bye. Night-night. Hug. Juice. Cup. 'Nack. Hungee. "Comey" (come here). Hold you. Cookie. Cracker. Chip. Cheese. (All the important food groups, LOL.) Go 'way. (Always said to Jasper.) Move. (Also always said to Jasper. Haha!) Rock. Play. Door. Clothes. Close. Open. Car. Uh oh. Show. Boom. Watch. On. Drink. Dog. Puppy. Barking. Helping. Water. Rain. Book. Back. Cute. Shoes. Come on. Picture. Boom. Eye. Nose. Mouth. Ear. Hand. Foot/Feet. Toes. Hair. I'm probably forgetting some... So many words!


She's starting to try and climb things. Like the couch. Or the TV stand thingy. Today was a new one - the coffee table. *sigh* She's started getting her legs stuck between the slats in her crib again. Still not totally sure how that keeps happening. But at least she can tell me she's stuck now. It's slightly funny when you hear whining, then "stuck, stuck!" coming from her room during what's supposed to be nap time. Haha. ;-) I also think she's trying to run. She is definitely not the most graceful child ever, and my genes aren't helping her out in that area at all. She starts walking fast, and then the next thing I know she's tripped over her own two feet and landed on her face. Poor girl.


Though we've been having trouble with naps lately, she's still sleeping like a champ at night. Some days she'll even let me sleep until 8am!! It's kind of awesome. Especially since I know my sleeping-all-night days are numbered. {The lack of sleep is definitely my least favorite thing about having a newborn. I need sleep.}

She has just recently stopped nursing. Some days I'm sad about it, other days I'm totally okay with it. Part of the sadness comes from the fact that my boobs have started to get really heavy because of all the colostrum. Would be great if she could help me with that. ;-) She did actually ask to nurse once last week, and I let her. She pulled off after barely a minute, looked at it, and said "no" as if something just wasn't right. Sorry, baby girl! She was eating like a champ, but she has recently decided to be picky. I guess this is how we know she's officially a toddler? Some days she'll eat everything I put in front of her (or most of it), other days she refuses almost everything. *sigh*


No idea what she weighs because I keep forgetting to make her well-baby check up. At this point, I might as well schedule her 18 month one. Mommy fail. As usual, her size in clothes is all over the place. She can wear 9 month onesies, but I rarely put her in them. 12 month tshirts. 6, 9 or 12 month pants, depending on the brand. (This frustrates me so much.) She's a size 3 or 4 in shoes, also depending on the brand. Dresses she can wear anything from 6 - 12 months, although the 6 month ones look more like long shirts on her now. We just started putting her in size 4 diapers, although she could have been in them about a month ago. We just had to finish the box of diapers... They're too expensive (even the cheapos) not to use them!

She has about 9 teeth now, and will probably have more on the way soon. She's been teething like crazy for the last couple of weeks. Which means we've had a whiny, clingy, touchy little girl on our hands! I hate it for her. She cut 2 top teeth (pre-molars, I think) last week and I could just tell she hurt. Top teeth are harder on her than bottoms, too. And of course, teething always makes her tummy upset....which results in a diaper rash eventually. Hence the upset little girl. *sigh* I'm hoping she won't get anymore for a while. It's hard on all of us!


She has quite the little personality, and [most of the time] I love watching it come out. ;-) She's hilarious, and always keeping us entertained. Her latest obsession is my sunglasses. Always asking me to put them on her ("on? on?"), and then wearing them around the house until she either trips or they fall off. LOL! For a while, she did the same thing with Joe's range earmuff things. That was pretty funny, too. She is a very friendly little thing, too. She likes to wave at people walking down our street, and she loves getting attention when we're out and about. Oh, and people watching. She is a serious people watcher.


At this point, it's really hard to sum her up because she is such a little person! She is really sweet - always giving hugs, but on her own terms of course. She has just started asking for kisses, which is pretty much the cutest thing ever. She loves to play with her baby dolls, and will even "share" her snacks and juice (or milk) with them. I'm definitely enjoying this stage, although it blows me away how much of a big girl she's getting to be. I'm sure it'll be even more apparent when little Millie arrives, too. {Yeah, I'm giving in and just calling Amelia, Millie, full time now. It's cute. And Charlotte can say it!} 

Really, I'm just thankful that she still wants to cuddle with me from time to time, and give out hugs and kisses. It eases the tough days and moments, and reminds me what a sweet little heart she has. And nothing is better than that.




For a while now, I've really been struggling. With life, with stuff, with things, but mostly with God. I don't talk about my faith on here all that often, but it's a huge part of who I am and I really feel like I can't ignore this topic any longer.

I wish I could say that I can't pinpoint a day or time when this struggle began, but I can. I know exactly when, where, and why I feel the way I do. I've been struggling with my faith - my relationship with God - since I miscarried in February. While I do feel like I have been healed from that trauma (well, as much as you can be...nothing will make me forget), I also know that I haven't had any kind of real peace in my life since then. 

I've started and then stopped devotionals and Bible studies. I've prayed and not really felt a connection. I've fought with my husband. I've slacked on housekeeping and other things, when in reality there is a lot I could be doing with my time. My temper is short. My emotions are raw. I'm lonely. I feel everything....and nothing.

I didn't figure out the reason behind all my issues until a few weeks ago. I started searching for MOPS groups or PWOC or women's small groups at church. Initially I did it because I wanted friends.... But then it dawned on me that what I actually needed was a whole lot more Jesus in my life. 

After I read about Diana's little boy, I finally picked up a devotional book my MIL sent for my birthday. And wow, the brief message was dead-on. 

Ever since that day, I've felt like God is trying to tell me something. To be still. To let go. To let peace - His peace - take over. There is so much running through my mind these days. Too much. Housework. Whatever Charlotte is doing. Deployment on the horizon. Our second baby's due date this month. Fears/worries about this pregnancy. Family drama. (Deployment and due date are the biggest factors right now.)

Letting go is hard. It should really be easy, considering I know His plans are for the best, but it's not. Letting go means I can't fix it. Letting go means I don't have the answers. Letting go means trusting Him to take care of it for me and in His own time. My instant-gratification self has a very hard time with that one. 

"We must trust that He will reveal His mysteries when they have served His purpose for our growth and His glory. We must remember that “in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” (Romans 8:28, NIV)"

Thankfully, I have tools at my fingertips to help me - the book my MIL sent (it's called Jesus Calling, in case you're interested), She Reads Truth devotions, and my PWOC study and group. I know this is a challenge - a chance for growth and to bring glory to Him. I get that now. But it doesn't make it any easier. And neither will facing a deployment with two under two. I have no other choice but to have faith and repeat these verses to myself....for as long as it takes for them to sink in.

For God is not the author of confusion but of peace, as in all the churches of the saints. ~ 1 Corinthians 14:33

Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid. ~ John 14:27

I have told you these things, so that in my you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world. ~ John 16:33

You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance. ~ Psalm 32:7

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will stregnthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. ~ Isaiah 41:10

...Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go. ~ Joshua 1:9


23 Weeks

How far along? 23 Weeks! So crazy.

Size of baby: 12 inches - about the size of a head of romaine lettuce. I have a lettuce baby. =P

Maternity clothes? You betcha! I'm mostly in maternity clothes, but I can still wear some of my normal shirts. For now, anyway!

Best moment this week: Best and worst - getting my hair cut over the weekend. Going to the zoo in Atlanta was pretty fun, too, though. {Don't worry, post with pictures to come!}

This is the best you get until I upload photos. =P

Miss anything? Other than the aches and pains I have now, not really.

Movement: Ooooh yeah. Though she rolls and squirms more than her big sister ever did, she still gives me plenty of good kicks and punches. My girls are movers! I'm okay with it, though. It lets me know she's doing well. =)

Food cravings: Just Mexican food and sweets! Nothing too unusual. I find it funny and interesting that I'm craving a lot of the same things this time around.

Food aversions: None really, but I'm still cautious around PB, some cheeses, and yogurt. You can never be too safe. Haha!

Gender: IT'S A GIRL! {Amelia Mae}

Labor signs: Nope! Although, I think I may have had some Braxton Hicks a couple days ago. 

Sleep: Meh. It's getting difficult. My hips and back start to ache at some point in the night, making it hard to be comfortable. I have yet to find the perfect pillow situation. *sigh*

Symptoms: Heartburn. Oh, the heartburn. Hip and back pain. Nothing out of the ordinary!

Belly button in or out? Still in, but it's stretching out! Joe and I figure it will only be a few more weeks until its on it's way out. =P

Looking forward to: PWOC this week, my next OB appointment (next week), getting her room set up (eventually)... Nothing big going on for us right now, but that is fine with me!