Peace

For a while now, I've really been struggling. With life, with stuff, with things, but mostly with God. I don't talk about my faith on here all that often, but it's a huge part of who I am and I really feel like I can't ignore this topic any longer.

I wish I could say that I can't pinpoint a day or time when this struggle began, but I can. I know exactly when, where, and why I feel the way I do. I've been struggling with my faith - my relationship with God - since I miscarried in February. While I do feel like I have been healed from that trauma (well, as much as you can be...nothing will make me forget), I also know that I haven't had any kind of real peace in my life since then. 

I've started and then stopped devotionals and Bible studies. I've prayed and not really felt a connection. I've fought with my husband. I've slacked on housekeeping and other things, when in reality there is a lot I could be doing with my time. My temper is short. My emotions are raw. I'm lonely. I feel everything....and nothing.

I didn't figure out the reason behind all my issues until a few weeks ago. I started searching for MOPS groups or PWOC or women's small groups at church. Initially I did it because I wanted friends.... But then it dawned on me that what I actually needed was a whole lot more Jesus in my life. 

After I read about Diana's little boy, I finally picked up a devotional book my MIL sent for my birthday. And wow, the brief message was dead-on. 

Ever since that day, I've felt like God is trying to tell me something. To be still. To let go. To let peace - His peace - take over. There is so much running through my mind these days. Too much. Housework. Whatever Charlotte is doing. Deployment on the horizon. Our second baby's due date this month. Fears/worries about this pregnancy. Family drama. (Deployment and due date are the biggest factors right now.)

Letting go is hard. It should really be easy, considering I know His plans are for the best, but it's not. Letting go means I can't fix it. Letting go means I don't have the answers. Letting go means trusting Him to take care of it for me and in His own time. My instant-gratification self has a very hard time with that one. 

"We must trust that He will reveal His mysteries when they have served His purpose for our growth and His glory. We must remember that “in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” (Romans 8:28, NIV)"

Thankfully, I have tools at my fingertips to help me - the book my MIL sent (it's called Jesus Calling, in case you're interested), She Reads Truth devotions, and my PWOC study and group. I know this is a challenge - a chance for growth and to bring glory to Him. I get that now. But it doesn't make it any easier. And neither will facing a deployment with two under two. I have no other choice but to have faith and repeat these verses to myself....for as long as it takes for them to sink in.

For God is not the author of confusion but of peace, as in all the churches of the saints. ~ 1 Corinthians 14:33

Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid. ~ John 14:27

I have told you these things, so that in my you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world. ~ John 16:33

You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance. ~ Psalm 32:7

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will stregnthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. ~ Isaiah 41:10

...Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go. ~ Joshua 1:9

Progress!

Sometimes I feel like I'm still stuck in the rut of weight loss. Like I'm doing okay but not seeing results.  Even though I don't feel like I've lost much, I know that my clothes are fitting better and I'm feeling better. So, Friday, I decided it was time for an updated photo. I don't know about you, but I need a good visual sometimes. It's like I need proof that something's really happening. And I'll let you be the judge...

A very nice, not-so flattering front shot.

The side shot, which I think is always more telling.

The verdict?

DANG.  My jaw literally dropped when I uploaded the new pictures. Literally. Like I-have-to-show-someone-NOW awesome. I couldn't believe it!!

Even though I actually gained a pound this week (I don't want to talk about it...), I've lost 10 overall. 10 pounds in roughly 2 months. That's 5 pounds a month, and about 1 pound a week. Holy. Cow.

How is this possible? Honestly? It's all God's doing. I haven't changed much about my diet...except that I'm trying my absolute hardest not to overeat and to rely on God. I still eat many of the same foods I did before. I just don't stuff myself with them [all the time]. I admit that I have moments where I give in and eat something I shouldn't or too much of something. I'm only human. BUT, I am trying. 

I'm working out more than I did before. Still usually 3-4 days a week. Lately I've been slacking on the workouts because my asthma is giving me trouble. Actually, it's Hawaii that's causing the problems. Vog {volcanic fog/haze/ash junk} has been in full force lately, thanks to the winds coming from the Big Island. It's tough to breathe through and makes me more likely to have an attack, even with the meds I'm taking. Anyway, long story short, it affects my ability to workout. I've been sticking with Pilates, but not much extra cardio is happening. 

I'm still doing Bible Study daily. Or trying to do it daily. I admit that I sometimes fail at that, too. It's hard! Especially with a baby going through a growth spurt and needing Mommy more often than usual.  I haven't picked up Made to Crave in a while, either. I should probably get on that.

See, the thing is... I'm not perfect. I know, newsflash. I'm not perfect. I can't do it all. I can't lose weight and kick overeating on my own. But God can do it in and through me. And that's what I'm trying to do - let Him work in me, so that He can use me to do...other things, whatever He wants me to do. It's not about the weight loss {although that's a great perk!}, working out, or following a specific diet plan. It's about God and what He's doing. I know without a doubt that I wouldn't have lost 10 pounds and curbed my eating habits if it weren't for Him and my "sisters" keeping me accountable. 

So that's it. My awesome, awesome news and progress. And I'm going to try my absolute hardest not to gain any weight while we're in NC for Christmas.... It's gonna be tough.

Not JUST Weight Loss

Several weeks ago I posted about a 5 week challenge I was doing. The challenge was not just to start exercising and eating better, but to be "active" in reading (and memorizing and meditating on) God's Word. It was exactly the kick-start I needed. 

I'd been stuck in a rut for far too long.... Eating what I wanted, when I wanted and how much I wanted. It wasn't a good thing, even though eating all those good things sure was (and is!) nice. Even though I was exclusively breastfeeding (up until the 1st of October, anyway), my weight wasn't coming off. But it's hard to expect to lose when you don't exercise and don't have some sort of control over what you eat! I knew I needed to do something, but I couldn't (and can't) make the change on my own. It's too easy to say, "I'll try again Monday" or "Maybe when Charlotte's doing ___ I'll try" or "I just don't feel like it." A true procrastinator can find any excuse to avoid doing something. 

Thanks to my bestie and my fabulous SIL, we've worked together on this challenge. The challenge has already ended, but we're still keeping each other accountable. We check in on FB daily. We talk about our struggles, our victories, what encourages us and what convicts us. It's a pretty awesome system, especially when you factor in the fact that we each live in a different state and time zone. Obviously I'm the furthest one out, but it's still pretty darn awesome. With their accountability and my Bible studies, I've been able to do a lot. I'm on my way to a total lifestyle change, and I'm already seeing some of the benefits.

This is me when I started the 5 week challenge, weighing *gulp* 160lbs. {I can't even believe I just put this number on my blog...}

And this is me just a few days ago...weighing 151.5lbs. Yes, I lost 8.5 pounds in 5 weeks!

I know the recent photos are more zoomed out, but I didn't realize that until I went to edit them a day later. *sigh* But, seriously... I can't believe how much I've lost in just a short time! I'd love to attribute it to breastfeeding and working out, but that's not the whole story.

So what have I done? I've done a lot, though it may not seem like it. 

Bible study. 

As I said before, I'm on my way to a lifestyle change. And that is thanks to God and God alone. The big game-changer for me is my way of thinking. Not thinking of food as the enemy, but sin and Satan. (Which is actually the truth.) Not thinking of exercising as another chore (although it certainly feels that way sometimes!), but as a way to honor God. And the way I've changed my thinking in these areas is through the Setting the Captives Free study I'm doing, called The Lord's Table. It's a 60 day, very in-depth study on sinful eating habits and how only turning to God can free me from them. Yes, it's true, you can have sinful eating habits. I'm an overeater. I may not look like one, but I am. I want to change that. I want to have a healthy body and I want to not feel overwhelmed by cravings.

I'm also participating in studies done by #SheReadsTruth. I'm not always "attached" to the online community there, but I do participate in their studies online. I love them. It's usually a very great add-on to the Captives Free study. God has a wonderful way of tying them in together when I least expect it.

Exercise

Exercising is part of having a healthy body. I don't believe God ever meant for us to be lying about all day... Or just going about our day not being active. Exercise has always been difficult for me. I have allowed my asthma to be an excuse to not work out in the past. And yeah, some days it keeps me from doing a full workout. I can't use that excuse, though, because I can do something. I'm not an invalid. And I need  to do something. Working out actually helps when I'm doing it consistently. Imagine that. 

I've been doing Lindsay Brin's Postnatal Boot Camp 2-3 days a week. It's a heck of a cardio and toning DVD program with all sorts of different workouts. I'm doing her 12 week program because it's easier than piecing together my own. But seriously, it's hard. It's not Jillian Michaels hard, but it's close. I'm also doing Pilates on the other days. I take 2-3 rest days because, well, I'm not in great shape. Also, I think working out 4 days a week is a feat when you have a 6 month old, laundry, dishes, meals and a husband to take care of.

"Diet"

It's in quotations because I'm not dieting. I'm just changing my outlook on food. The Bible (and God!) specifically says there are no foods I cannot eat. None. But it does say this:

Everything is permissible but not everything is beneficial. ~ 1 Corinthians 10:23

So whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God. ~ 1 Corinthians 10:31

So I'm trying my hardest to only eat when I'm hungry - really hungry. I can convince myself I'm hungry when I'm really not. Like when I'm bored or upset or lonely. It's hard not to eat during those times!! And when I'm "PMSinsg"? OMG is it hard. And when I do eat, I try very hard to only eat until I'm full. Not "I'm going to explode" full, but "Yeah, I think I've had enough" full. Learning the difference can be hard.

Reading

I've started reading the book Made to Crave. I'm only a few chapters in, but I can relate to everything the author talks about. It's refreshing to know I'm not the only one dealing with an addiction to food, giving in to cravings and eating too much during a meal. And it helps to be given ways to understand that we humans were made to crave...but we weren't made to crave food or anything here on earth. God made us to crave Him. He made us to crave a relationship with Him because He's the only one who can really, truly satisfy us and bring meaning to our lives. 

So there it is, folks. My "diet" and weight loss plan. Not much of a diet and not much of a plan, but more of a "this is how I'm doing it." More accurately, this is how God is working in my life. And it's awesome. And hard. And amazing. And hard. Overcoming this, losing weight, and changing my lifestyle isn't easy. But I know - I know - it will be worth it!

Journaling

I've kept a journal for as long as I can remember. I think I got my first one when I was in elementary school... I think I was 6 or 7...maybe? Anyway, the point is I started young. Ever since then I've been writing my thoughts down on paper. It's a kind of therapy for me, I guess. Cheap therapy.

I don't know if it's the pack rat in me or maybe I just cling to certain things from my past, but I have almost all of the journals I've ever written in. I'm sure that first one is hanging around in a box somewhere, waiting for me to open it and laugh at my silly 6 year old self. I'm sure a few of them have gotten lost over the years (and moves), but it's safe to say I have almost all of them. Considering I'm 26, there's quite a few!

Over the last few years I've sort of changed the way I journal. I used to use the journal kind of like I blog... Kind of. It was a space where I vented and talked about the goings-on in life. I always wrote more when big things were happening. Anyway, as I was saying, that's changed. Now I usually keep a prayer journal instead. I'm sure it has a little bit to do with blogging - the things in my day-to-day life are "journaled" here instead of on paper. I don't know why I started doing it; I only know that I did.

Last night, I ran across the journal I kept when Joe was deployed. Man, oh man, that one is full of memories, pain, fear, anxiety... You name it, it's probably there. Because I'd written it, it didn't take me long to read through. As with any kind of journaling, I also stopped for a while and then picked it back up. And I didn't start this one until he'd been gone for about 4 months. So there's that too. Anyway, there were so many ups and downs. It's funny how you sort of forget things - things that happened, how you felt, things that didn't happen, things you wanted to happen... In the last year I've almost completely forgotten all of those feelings. Throughout the 8ish months I journaled, there was one constant - okay, there were two:

One: I missed my husband so much it hurt. On an hourly, daily basis.

Two: I wanted to become a mom with every fiber in my being.

I haven't actually, completely forgotten my desire to become a mom, but...it's sort of faded. I forgot the pangs I would feel when learning someone else was pregnant (with the exception of my bestie), or when someone else had a baby. I forgot how often I prayed Psalm 37:4 - "Delight yourself in the LORD and He will give you the desires of your heart." I forgot how often I prayed "Your timing, God." I forgot how often I prayed, "I know it will be better in Your timing, not mine."

Looking back, I realize that I prayed those things and tried desperately to believe them. If you're a Christian, I hope you understand what I'm saying. Sometimes you can know what God's Word says, but still have a hard time actually getting it. That was me. I knew that one day I would be a mom. I knew that Joe would come home. I knew it. But I couldn't see it. I couldn't plan it. I couldn't know when it would happen or anything like that. Not having any kind of control? That is hard.

Now that our little miracle is here... I can fully appreciate the fact that God's timing IS better. If I had gotten pregnant when I really wanted to, I'm not sure I would have enjoyed it as much as I did. I would've had to tell Joe there was a baby in my belly via Skype/email/phone instead of waking him up that morning. I would've had to tell him we were having a girl in a similar fashion, rather than him going with me to the ultrasound and seeing our sweet girl. She would be here and be a miracle either way, but this? This has been so much better!

Finding that journal has really stirred my heart. It's reminded me that God's timing is always best, even when we can't really believe it. I think God understands when we have a hard time with that. And I think He's proud when we pray it to help ourselves believe it. It's reminded me that I need to spend more time with Him - reading Scripture and journaling/talking to Him.

Finding old journals is always fun and interesting. I think by running across this one, God is trying to tell me a little something. And I'm pretty sure I'm ok with that. =)

Have you ever found an old journal? Were you surprised at what you read?

Challenges...

Sunday was one of those eye-opening days for me. It's been a while since that's happened {mainly because of my own close-mindedness}, so it kind of took me by surprise.

In our Sunday school class, we've been doing a study of sorts on Deuteronomy. If you're anything like me, you can get really bogged down in the Old Testament. I have a hard time reading {and understanding} it sometimes. Anyway. One of the co-teachers is actually a professor on the OT at a university here. And, he's kind of awesome.

In class, we went over some things in the last few chapters of Deut. about Moses, the promised land {Canaan}, the Israelites and Joshua. To make a long story short, Moses dies before the Israelites enter the promised land. Joshua is the one assigned with the task to take their people in. Moses was this great prophet and man of God...and Joshua had to follow him. As in, he was the "head guy" after Moses died. Talk about pressure!! I can just hear his thoughts... "I can never measure up to all that Moses was." "I'll never do ___ like Moses did." Before Moses dies, God tells him to remind Joshua to "be strong and of good courage" because God has gone before him.

After going through this, David {who's teaching the lesson} tells/reminds us that we each have challenges in our lives. All of us have people - Christians - we look up to and strive to be like. But the thing is, we're not those people. We can try to be like them, which isn't a bad thing, but we'll never actually be them. We shouldn't try to live up to someone else's standards. We need to "be strong and of good courage" because not only will God be with us through it all, He's gone before us into the unknown territory, just as He did with Joshua.

That's when it hit me.

All the challenges I'm facing right now - GD, hypertension, Joe going to WLC this week, extra OB checkups - God saw a long time ago. Not only that, God made me and my body to do this whole pregnancy thing. GD, hypertension, child birth... All of it. Worrying about it isn't going to help. Worrying could even make it worse. I can't really do anything to change any of this. But there's one thing I can do.

Source: Uploaded by user via Sarah on Pinterest

I can be strong and take comfort in the fact that God has gone before me into all the unknown ahead, and that He'll be with me every step of the way. It's still somewhat scary {I can't lie - the idea of giving birth is kind of freaking me out}, and that's ok.

So yeah. Big eye-opening day for me. It's been a long time coming and I'm glad it finally happened. I can't say that I'm fully back on track, but I'm definitely headed in the right direction. For those of you who have said prayers for me regarding this, thank you! Now let's just hope and pray that nothing eventful happens in the next few weeks. I'm tired of being a Debbie Downer!

Thoughts

Do you realize how often you talk to yourself in your head? I don't think I really notice that I'm doing it half the time. Then, of course, there's the other percentage of time that I actually think out loud. I try to keep that just at home but lately it's been sneaking out in public too. =P

I don't know about you, but I over-analyze ev-er-y-thing. Everything. Past conversations, events, things I wore, stupid mistakes and everything in between are criticized minutes, hours, days and weeks later. Only lately have a realized that this is not a good habit to have. And I don't know how to stop it. 


Sadly, it almost drives me crazy. Yes. I drive myself crazy with all these over-analyzing thoughts. Did I do this right? Did I say this right? Should I have done this? Why didn't I do that? How could I do this? It goes on all the time. Oh, sure, I get breaks while reading, watching TV, volunteering and sleeping. Other than that the analytical thoughts happen a lot. Since it's getting to me, I think I'm beginning to realize that this habit is doing a whole lot more harm than good. We've all said it once or twice before...

I'm my own worst enemy.

If that isn't the truth, I don't know what is. I don't think anyone is as hard on me as I am. When I really think hard about it, I am downright mean to myself. Always thinking that I said something stupid or did something stupid, wore something that made me look fat...  These thoughts make me extremely self-conscious, to the point where I sometimes don't say anything in groups because I'm afraid it will sound stupid. Or I change clothes 3 times before I leave the house because I think it makes me look fat/ridiculous. Deep down I know these things aren't 100% true, but why can't I convince myself of that?


I've prayed and prayed about it. I've tried to become more aware of when I'm doing it so that I can stop, but that only seems to make it worse. Because then I'm fully aware of everything I do and say... I think it's been getting worse lately. Honestly, I think it gets worse when Joe is deployed/not around. That doesn't even make a whole lot of sense to me, but it's true. I don't know why his presence would effect that... Maybe he reassures me better than I reassure myself? I don't know.


What I do know is that I have got to find a way to stop this. I think I've always been this way and...to be honest, I think this behavior was helped out by the attitudes of my family. I don't really want to get into it, but my family is very...critical. I suppose it only makes sense that I would be even harder on myself because of that. Anyway. 


Last year, my MIL mentioned a Bible study she was doing. I don't know how we got on the subject, but I told her that I thought it was interesting and she said she'd try to get a book for me. That was about a year ago. As I've been thinking about my thought processes, the book she gave me came to mind.

{not my photo}

It's been hanging out in a drawer in my bedroom since we moved in last year. I think it's about time that I started this Bible study. I read the intro and part of Day 1 this morning, and the idea behind it is to figure out what lies you're telling yourself and replace them with God's truth. The truth about who He is and who I am in Him. One of the verses that keeps coming to mind when I have those negative thoughts is this:

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things. - Philippians 4:8

So, tonight I'm going to start this Bible study. I'm really looking forward to getting rid of this bad habit and - as the author says - cleaning out my thought closet. 

I was thinking of maybe sharing this study with y'all on the blog once a week, but I wasn't sure what you would think of that. Would you be interested in going through this study with me? Or would you rather just be updated on how it's going? {'Cause that's probably going to happen whether you want it to or not. =P} Let me know!! 

And don't forget to enter my super-awesome book giveaway!

Ugh.

I'm sure you're getting tired of me saying this, but I hate when the weekend is over. Then again, I'm sure most people do. =) We're in the process of getting Joe's off-post packet approved, but hit a pretty big snaffoo. His driver's license expired....last month. Way to go, hubby! I don't blame him though, it's not like he drives all the time or uses it as his main ID anymore. *sigh* So since NC doesn't renew licenses online, we're [probably] going to have to make a trip to NC just to go to the stinkin' DMV. Gr! I'm going to call tomorrow just to make sure that there isn't some form or something we can fill out to get around that since he's military. Honestly, I don't even know that they'll let him have a day off so we can drive up there. We'll see, I guess.

I seriously hate taking him back. I'm also seriously getting stressed about PCSing and the imminent deployment. Since he's going to Hawaii {unless his orders get changed}, it's highly likely he'll get deployed this summer. We know of 2 units getting deployed: 1 in June, and another in July. *sigh* I'm really worried about it...probably because it's the first. Then there's the actual PCS. And the fact that it takes 5 bazillion forms and 7 bazillion dollars to get my precious baby puppy there. =( Oh, and let's not forget about housing. Shipping HSG, the car...paying off bills.... Did I mention I'm stressing out?! Honestly, a big part of my hopes that his orders got changed like the other half of his class and he got pulled back to CONUS. That would at least ease a couple of my worries. But, since he can't log in and find out if they got changed, I'm going to be waiting for a while. If they didn't get changed, he said he can request a few extra weeks so we can get things in order. I wanted to hug him! I know how badly he wants to get the heck outta dodge [and I do too], so it was sweet of him to give me a few extra weeks and peace of mind. =)

Every time I start to worry about our finances, moving, and deployment...I know that God is telling me not to worry. There have been several times lately during my nightly Bible study and prayer that God has given me those verses in Matthew 6 where He talks about not worrying about tomorrow. He reassures us that, as he takes care of the sparrow, He will take care of us. I'm a worrier. I fret, I worry, I fear. Not because I want to, but because it's in my nature. I know he's trying to change this part of me so that I will rely on Him more...but, oh it's so hard! You'd think it'd be so easy to just say, "Here God. Take my worries, I leave them up to You." And then not deal with it anymore. But that's not the way it goes. Usually, I say "take my worries" and then hours, sometimes days, later I'll say "but, God...what about this....what about that....what if this happens?" The cycle starts over again. I want to have that kind of faith and trust, and I think I'm getting there, but man is it tough!

Oh, I went to patriot games Friday afternoon on post! It was fun, but freezing cold! I'll be sure to share pictures with you tomorrow! Hope ya'll have a good week!