My heart is breaking for some people right now.
As I was messing around on FB Saturday night, I found out that an acquaintance gave birth to a little girl...who was stillborn. I barely know her, and yet my heart hurts for her. I don't quite know the pain she is experiencing, yet I do to a certain degree.
Sunday morning, I woke and checked my phone to kill time before Charlotte woke up. There I found that Diana's little boy was doing worse. This woman... A strong Christian, and contributor to a blog/women's bible study group online, is losing her third little boy in the span of about a year. Last year, her twin boys were born at 19 weeks. One lived minutes, the other a few hours. I haven't been keeping up with her blog very much since then, so I don't know the details of this pregnancy. I only recently found out she'd had a little boy. A boy who was supposed to be her rainbow baby.
To a point, I can relate. After going through a miscarriage, I know the fear that sets in early on in a subsequent pregnancy. The fear of losing again. The fear of not being excited about being pregnant. (Oh, yeah. How's that for guilt?!) Then there's the realization that God is in control. So you let go of the fear, embrace the pregnancy and allow yourself to feel excited. You allow yourself to plan, to hope, to dream.
After all that, I can't imagine what she's feeling right now. I just can't. Truthfully, it makes me scared, too. It's selfish, but it makes me scared for me - for my family. Because if this can happen to her - someone with whom I share similarities - it could happen me, too.
I know there are many people out there thinking, questioning how God can allow these things to happen to good people - His people. The answer is... There isn't an answer that will satisfy us. Not really. Our world is broken, and full of sin. It's why we die. It's why people kill other people. Sin is why bad things happen to good people. Yes, God is ultimately in control, but we sinful people broke the world He built for us in the beginning. Good people - even Christians - aren't exempt from the consequences of our sin. God didn't promise us an easy life just because we're believers.
God is in control. Even in the bad things in our lives, He is good. He is faithful. He cares for us. He wants to hold us through the tough things, and even the not-so-tough things.{Edited to add:} This morning, through a post on SheReadsTruth, I learned that Diana's little boy passed away. I can't begin to say how much my heart hurts for them. Please pray for her family. And also, please read the post written on SheReadsTruth. It perfectly depicts the heart of a believer in times like these.
This is a post I never, ever in a million years wanted to write. I suppose I don't even have to, but I know it'll be healing for me and possibly help others. So here I am. Sharing another detail of my life that I never thought would happen - at least not to me. I would love to write this with eloquence and precision, but I'm not sure it's going to come out that way. When such emotion surrounds something like this, it's hard to put into words exactly how you feel.
Last week our family suffered a sudden loss. There was no real warning, no signs of anything being wrong...until it was wrong.
Much to everyone's surprise, we found out a few weeks ago that I was pregnant. I was incredibly shocked and also overwhelmed at the thought of having 2 babies under 2 years old. Obviously there are many women who do it (and have done it), but I just wasn't ready. I spent a few days feeling extremely overwhelmed and upset. But the longer I thought - and prayed - about it, the more confident and encouraged I became. I had my OB registration appointment and was really looking forward to hearing our second little one's heartbeat.
I never got that chance.
The day before Valentine's Day was set to be a fairly busy one. Joe took Jasper to the vet at 8am and then had to go to work. I needed to get groceries at some point during the day, so I took him to work after he brought Jasper home. Once Joe was at work and Charlotte was down for a nap, I did a little blogging. I was excited to share our news with all of you. Once the post was written and saved as a draft, I headed for the shower.
It was only then I knew something was wrong.
I never bled even once when I was pregnant with Charlotte. I cramped something fierce the entire first trimester, but never bled. I had been cramping on and of for the last week with this one, but given my history I didn't worry about it. But this? This wasn't right. I knew it.
After my shower, I dressed, called Joe, ate, fed Charlotte and picked Joe up from worked. We headed to Tripler to find out what was going on. They did blood work and then we waited for over 2 hours. 2 very painful, scary hours. We waited again in a room, until finally a nurse came and asked if I'd been seen. Apparently they lost my chart. Anyhow, a doctor finally came in and did an ultrasound.
The baby was too small to be 8 weeks. It looked about 6 weeks, according to the doctor. I knew that this baby was much smaller than Charlotte had been at 8 weeks and she is a tiny baby. I knew something wasn't right. They couldn't find a heartbeat, but that's not uncommon for a 6 week baby. The doctor didn't see anything particularly concerning and my HcG levels weren't abnormal for 6 weeks either. We left with no real answers.
Valentine's Day was worse. Much worse. I bled. I cramped - more like contracted. I knew. It was too much, all of it. I knew there was nothing short of a miracle that would keep a baby alive with all that going on.
Joe had to work. His NCOs weren't sympathetic at all. He wasn't able to come home until around 6, so I spent the day with Charlotte trying not to let her see how much pain I was in. Although, having her here was also a good thing. Sometimes the only relief I felt was when I nursed her. {I had made the decision when we found out I was pregnant that I'd breastfeed her until she weaned herself, even through a pregnancy.}
Later that evening, our baby went to be with Jesus.
It's still shocking to think about. It happened so quickly, and with no real warning. Maybe there were signs along the way that I missed, but I'll never know for sure.
This pain...is indescribable. All I can really say is that I feel empty.
It's been very hard for the last week. I go between laughing at my sweet girl {and I'm thanking God every minute for that girl} and crying over our second baby. Or crying over pregnancy and ultrasound photos on FB and everywhere else on the internet. It's not that I don't want other people to be happy - I do. It's just a grieving for something precious I won't get this time around.
Ever since I found this on Pinterest, I've been clinging to it. It's comforting, somehow, to know that this pain will be for good someday.
I also found a blog post somewhere that a woman wrote about her miscarriage. She said she found comfort knowing her baby never felt pain or sadness, or any of the terrible things in this world. I'm trying to do the same... And I'm trying to focus on the fact that she (I don't know what the baby was, but it's easier to have a pronoun to use :)) is in heaven running around, playing and laughing. My bestie and I like to believe our angel babies - just a few months apart - are up there playing together, talking about how silly their mommies are. It is tough to think about not having them here on earth, but we do have the hope that we'll see them in heaven one day. And I like to believe that she's watching us and knows how much we love her, even though we never met or held her.
Oddly enough, I just finished reading Harry Potter... One thing that's stuck with me is a line Dumbledore says to Harry near the end, "Do not pity the dead, Harry, pity the living."
So far, each day is different. Some days are easy, happy days where I remember my baby, but don't feel intense pain. Some days are hard, sad days. I refuse to be stuck in sadness all the time. That's not what God wants for me. My baby is in heaven, happy, loved, and pain-free. It may be sad to not have her here, but she is not sad.
I do ask, though, that you pray for us and our family. Specifically, for peace and comfort. I think it's safe to say that all our worlds have been rocked. Even though this little one wasn't with us for long she was loved, wanted, and anticipated.
With so much going on right now, I may not be posting much. Just bear with me and keep us in your prayers.
