Pausing for Heart Talk

I can't decide if I really want to post this, but I do need to get it out. So here I am. Taking a break from my 31 Days of Breastfeeding series to talk about my "stuff." My family junk that has me so...frustrated, sick to my stomach, and a little bit heart broken.

Source: 123rf.com via Sarah on Pinterest

A while back, Joe's parents offered to get us to NC for Christmas this year. I was more on the cautious, unsure side about doing this. {I mean, hello, flying with an 8/9 month old across and ocean and continent....!} Joe, of course, was over the moon and chomping at the bit. Obviously moms and dads have different opinions on flying/traveling with a baby. Haha. Anyway. One of my concerns was not being able to go see my family. Even though we've done it for the last 4 years, I knew not being able to go this year would impact them. Mainly because of Charlotte. {I'm well aware that I am chopped liver compared to her.} I dreaded telling them we were going because I knew it would not be easy for them to hear or understand.

Once the tickets were bought last week (ish), I couldn't hide it anymore. In fact, hiding the knowledge that we were going to get tickets and go was torture. I almost "spilled the beans" several times on accident. So I called my mom. Actually, before that I typed out everything I wanted to say so that I'd actually say it. I'm notorious for not remembering what I wanted to say during a discussion. It really, really sucks and having a baby did not help that at all. Anyway. What was I saying? Oh yes. The family. I called Mom and told her, while reading my script. It actually went a whole heck of a lot better than I thought it was. She didn't seem to be upset and she definitely didn't react the way I had foreseen. Even though it went better than I thought, I still had reservations. I had this sinking feeling that she wasn't being totally honest with me. 

Source: Uploaded by user via Sarah on Pinterest

Then came time to tell my grandparents. Initially Mom said she wanted to tell them. I was only kind of okay with that... Then the next morning, Mom texts me saying she doesn't want to tell them. Papa isn't in great health and she thought it would make him worse. And it would upset Nana. Even though that might be the truth, I wasn't okay with lying to them. Because God knows I'd let it slip in conversation or Mom would and then that would just be bad for all parties involved. So then Mom tells me to take a few days and think and pray about it. (As if a few days is going to make lying the correct solution...or make God tell me lying is the answer. HA!) And before I can tell her my plan of "attack" the next day...I get a text message saying, "I told Nana and Papa. They're upset and hurt. You might want to give them a few days before you call them."

Naturally, I was pissed. I mean, who wouldn't be?! So I told her it wasn't fair that she went ahead and did it because Joe and I had made a different decision. I didn't exactly say it like that, but it was along those lines. Anyway, she never really answered me.

Then Saturday, I called my grandparents to check in, fully expecting to give them an explanation on why we're going to NC and won't be able to see them, even though we really want to. I got something totally different. Apparently, my Mom has drug my 80something grandparents into the drama she and my (step)dad have created. Although Nana did attempt to put it in a somewhat nice manner, I was basically told that:

My mom thinks I don't love her.

They all think that Joe is manipulating me.

Because I say "Joe and I decided ___" I don't have a mind of my own.

I need to stand up to my husband. {Haven't figured out why they think I have a reason/need to.}

I should've stood up for Mom when she was here in June, instead of standing by my husband when I actually agreed with him. {Someone PLEASE tell me how that would've been great for my marriage.}

They're all upset because I don't want to live near them (but in NC) whenever Joe gets out of the Army.

I need to make things right with my parents. {Because they don't have ANYTHING to apologize for.}

Here's the biggest problem: Joe and I decided to move to NC when we got married. Mostly because he wanted to, and partially because I wanted to. I made the decision to live where he wanted to. Plus, I really wanted to get the heck out of my hometown. Like really. And then they pushed and pushed and pushed me, telling me how awful I was for leaving my family and that {sorry} my MIL was manipulating everyone into moving back to NC because that's where her family lives. By the time our wedding day rolled around, {after my (step)dad offered me $2000 to elope and get the F out of his house} I was beyond ready to leave. And the hardest part for them is that I grew to really like Joe's family. One of his sisters (Anna) is one of my closest friends and having her as family is a total bonus. I get along with all of them really well. 

Another problem: they don't agree with or understand our decisions. They don't really try to understand either. What they don't understand, they criticize, beat down and attempt to destroy. This results in them trying to force their advice/opinions on me. My (step)dad actually asked me a few weeks ago if I was going to get a job when we move to GA in the spring. I was completely baffled. I have chosen to be a SAHM because I want to raise my babies. I want to teach them. I want to be here for them. That doesn't change because we PCS. It doesn't change because the job market is potentially better in GA. Nothing changes my desire and my calling from God to stay home with Charlotte, or future babies. His response was that I need to make money - put money into Social Security (please tell me I'm not the only one who thinks that's beyond ridiculous!) and retirement. I'm sorry (actually, I'm not), but I'd much rather be home with my child(ren) and do what God wants me to do rather than put money into something that might not be there in the future. It's called investing in my family.

What hurts me the most is that they just beat me down every chance they get. Everything is my fault. I moved away. I chose to stay away. I choose to stay home with my child(ren). I fell in love with my husband's family. {I guess they want me to hate them?} I like to spend time with my husband's family. So naturally, I don't love my family anymore. I don't understand how they can twist everything into being something I did wrong. How do they not realize that by saying all of these things they're hurting me? I guess I shouldn't be so surprised... Things have been like this for a very long time now. It's hard because they're my parents. They should be able to love and support me even when they don't understand the decisions Joe and I have made for our family. But they don't. Or they won't. At this point, I'm honestly not sure which. It makes me glad that I have the support of Joe's parents and family, but also sad...because that's how it should be. 

Source: via Sarah on Pinterest

If you made it to the end of this post, serious kudos. I wish had something fantastic to giveaway. =P I'm just very upset...and this is my place. My home. My little space where I can come and talk about what really matters to me. And this? This is where my heart is today. Hope you don't mind me sharing all my family drama. 

I'd really, really appreciate your prayers. God's working so much in my heart and life right now. I really think this could be just another one of the enemy's ploys to get me to stray from God and the good things He's doing. Prayers appreciated. Advice welcome. Hugs needed.