Seeing the Light & Unraveling the Lies

When you go through hard times, the people who love you and the people who don't become clearly marked. They show themselves whether they mean to or not. 

If you've been a follower for a while, you know that my life has been forever marked by the loss of our daughter, Eleanor. She was born sleeping on September 22, 2015. Her name, Eleanor, means light. I feel that it is only because of her that I now see the people who raised me for who they truly are. 

Without going into too much detail as to what happened after Eleanor passed away, suffice it to say that my mother and stepfather showed themselves. My mother, especially, behaved irrationally and erratically. For someone in deep, deep grief this was extremely difficult to handle. Several months after losing Eleanor, she would be the person to ask me, "are you sure you want more kids?" Not only did this feel like a knife in the heart after our loss, but I had also just found out that I was pregnant again. I didn't tell her about my pregnancy for 2 more months. When I did tell her - or rather, Charlotte told her - I was met with a cold, blank stare. She never said "congratulations." She never said she was excited. There was nothing. It was chilling and disturbing.

Not too much time passed by before I stumbled upon an article about Narcissistic Rage, and how damaging it can be to children. This article very accurately described my mother and stepfather. I was intrigued, so I did more research. I spent most of the next few weeks digging up articles on Narcissistic mothers and fathers. In doing so, I discovered the truth of my past.

I was verbally and emotionally abused 

throughout my childhood, adolescence, 

and adulthood. 

My parents are Narcissistic. 

While digging through boxes after our most recent move, I discovered journals I'd kept in middle school, high school, and college. In them there is a theme of, "what did I do wrong," "why are they treating me this way," "I shouldn't have said anything," "why can't they understand," "I wish I could make things better." Reading these entries have made it all the more obvious. 

I blamed myself for their bad attitudes, cruel speech, and erratic behavior. They grounded me for "bad grades" (in reality they were never under C), tossed me out on the side of the road for saying something I shouldn't, yelled at me for any and everything I did, and threatened physical violence. They taught me to blame myself. They told me how bad I was -- I had a bad attitude, I was ungrateful, lazy, forgetful, and "too book smart" to care for myself. "Oh, you're smart, but you don't have enough common sense to save your life." I was stupid, ungrateful, and "just like [my] father." If only I could be better, they wouldn't treat me that way. 

The TRUTH is that I was a child. Full stop. Children make mistakes. Children having difficulty learning sometimes. Children need someone to guide and help them. 

As a teenager and adult, they have been unable to understand me and/or my decisions. Instead of questioning, they ridiculed. They alienated me from friends that they didn't like. They twisted my friends' words and actions so I'd believe that they either didn't like me, or that they were a bad influence. Instead of teaching me conflict resolution, they told me I was "better off without them." 

They interfered in my romantic relationships in college, convincing me somehow that one of them didn't love me. (When I spoke to him about this much later, he told me the exact opposite.) They told me that I would never find someone to put up with me. I had such a bad attitude that only they could possibly love me. But if I didn't behave the way they wanted, they would kick me out.

While Joe and I were dating, a situation arose that they literally could not understand. I had told them I was leaving it up to God. Being that we went to church for as long as I could remember, I had thought that they would understand this. The opposite was true. They could not even fathom that I was not doing a single thing to resolve this issue. Oh, I was praying, but I wasn't doing anything. For weeks (no exaggeration) they ridiculed me. "Oh, it's a 'God thing', huh? What does that even mean? What are you doing? Have you done this? Have you done that? WHY NOT?!" 

When Joe and I decided we were going to move to North Carolina after we were married, it only got worse. They threatened to kick me out. They told me they would PAY ME to leave now (2 months prior to our wedding). My mother got mad about something (I don't remember what) and told me she didn't want to shop for wedding dresses with me. I didn't take her that weekend and went with my maid of honor instead. Afterward, my mother was extremely furious....that I didn't take her. If you're confused reading this, imagine how it felt to live it. 

I've come to believe now that all of this abuse 

took place for two reasons: 

1) they have a serious mental issue. 

2) they do not believe in God, 

are not saved....and I am.

Jesus told them, “If God were your Father, you would love me, because I have come to you from God. I am not here on my own, but he sent me. Why can’t you understand what I am saying? It’s because you can’t even hear me! For you are the children of your father the devil, and you love to do the evil things he does. He was a murderer from the beginning. He has always hated the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he lies, it is consistent with his character; for he is a liar and the father of lies. So when I tell the truth, you just naturally don’t believe me! John 8:42-45 {NLT}

 ...they [the unbelievers] are resentful and surprised that you do not [think like them, value their values and] run [hand in hand] with them into the same excesses of dissipation and immoral freedom, and they criticize and abuse and ridicule you and make fun of your values. 1 Peter 4:4 [AMP]

They couldn't understand my decisions to leave things to God, so they abused and ridiculed me. They couldn't understand my decision to follow my future husband, so they abused me. When I was a child, I was trusting and loving. They could easily feed me lies and they would become my truth. 

I am of God, so they abused me. They couldn't understand me so they abused me. They are children of the father of lies, so they created lies and taught me to believe them. BUT. GOD. He saved me. He loves me. He protected me because I AM HIS.

All of this has always been true. It was only after losing Eleanor that I was finally able to see it. Loss changes you in ways I could never have imagined. While I would much rather have my baby girl with me, I am grateful that God used her death to free me from the abuse I'd experienced throughout my life. I may have come to it eventually without losing her, but we'll never know. Since her loss was the catalyst for all of this....I can only be grateful for that part of it. 

You may be wondering why I'm sharing this. Honestly, I've debated sharing all of this, too. I finally came to the conclusion that it needs to be shared not just for people like me to know that they aren't alone, but so the world can see what God has done FOR me. So they can see that He can change their lives, their circumstances, and their hearts. I was in danger of becoming just like the people who raised me. But God. He changed me; He saved me. It is because of Him that I am where I am today. Despite all the hardships, I am grateful for the change in my life and heart.

Six: Then & Now

This past weekend, we celebrated our sixth anniversary. Say what?!

Some days it doesn't even feel possible we've been married this long. Other times - okay, most of the time - it feels like we've been married forever. Not in a bad way! In fact, once we were in our first house and settling in, it felt like we'd always been together.

So much has changed since that day. First, we moved to NC. A little over a year later, Joe enlisted in the Army. Then we moved to Georgia for a little while, then Hawaii. He deployed for a year, came back, and I got pregnant with Charlotte. Less than a year after she was born, we moved back to Georgia and I got pregnant with Millie. And in between those major life events were smaller, everyday things. Hard things, fun things, mundane things.

To some, it may seem like the last 6 years have been a breeze. While they have certainly breezed by us, they've been anything but easy some days. Some days, weeks, and months have been tough. I don't always talk about the hardest days in our marriage, because I've found that it isn't always the best idea to let other people in your marriage. There are few (very few) people I've found that I can "vent" my frustrations to, without them feeling the need to hold a grudge against Joe. Often, it's those people who tell me when I need to straighten myself out, and I need that. {<--- Wow. Did not plan on chasing that rabbit!} Suffice it to say, we've had our fair share of trouble. I'm thankful, though, that we decided 6+ years ago that our marriage would always be a priority, and the 'D'-word would never be an option. As I've told people before, it isn't always easy, but it is always worth it.

I doubt I realized the reality of the years to come on that day - the moves, deployment, babies, diapers, hormones - but I'm really glad I've had my best friend along for the crazy, crazy ride. I don't know what the next 6+ years will bring, but I'm happy to know that whatever comes our way, we'll be in it together. 

Here's to us, baby!

*Psst! Don't forget to check out my cosmetic bag + Jamberry nails giveaway!

Let's Chat

Warning: This post is slightly rambly. But please stick around, because I wanna chat with you!

I'm pretty sure that my last post was Millie's birth story. She was born one month ago now. 

First of all - that's craziness. It's easy to forget in the middle of a hard day that the days are long, but the weeks go by quickly. Second...adjusting to having this baby girl has been difficult. Some of the hardest days and nights have been had since she's been born. I thought that adjusting to having Charlotte was difficult, but I was oh-so wrong.

Just adjusting to having 2 kids has been hard enough, but we also get "help" in the difficult department from the dreaded colic. If you follow me on Twitter, you've seen my "up all night and crying all day" tweets. It's been really hard, you guys. So much harder than I ever thought it would be. Colic basically means I have a cranky baby more hours of the day than not. Not only is she cranky, but holding her doesn't guarantee that she will stop crying. Most of the time, she ends up screaming in my face. To be honest, there's only so much of that I can handle. It sucks.

I know it's not her fault. I know that. It doesn't make it any easier, though. I wish it did! 

Part of me feels incredibly guilty for complaining about her being up all night or not sleeping during the day. I mean...I wanted this baby, right? For crying out loud, she's my rainbow baby! The one I should be extra thankful to have after having a miscarriage last year. Right?

Yeah...about that. I read something posted by Diana Stone a few weeks ago, about parenting after the loss of a child. It was dead-on how I feel. (You should really go read that before you continue here.) Just because I lost a baby doesn't make parenting the babies I have any easier. Maybe I should be thankful for my girls - trust me, I am. But loss doesn't make me thankful for sleepless nights, though countless others would welcome them. Loss doesn't make me thankful for toddler meltdowns while I'm nursing the baby. Loss makes me appreciate life more, for sure. And in reality, I should be thankful for all I've got anyway, because that's what God wants from me. 

I also know, though, that God knows where I'm at right now. After all, He did give this to me - this baby, this situation. He knows what's going on. I think it's okay for me to not be thankful for the OMG-I-want-to-pull-my-hair-out moments. I think it's okay to not be thankful for colic; but to be thankful for the baby that has the colic. And yeah, she is pretty cute - when she's sleeping. ;-)

Sorry for rambling. This is just what has been rolling around in my head recently. 

So, let's chat: Did/do you have a baby with colic? How did you survive? If you have more than one kiddo, what was the hardest adjustment: 0-1, 1-2, 2-+? I'm curious! 

The Stare

It never ceases to amaze me that people feel the need to "weigh in" one way or another on someone else's life, especially that of a total stranger. You kind of expect family members and close friends to offer unsolicited advice, or even off-the-wall remarks. You expect it because you "do life" with these people - you call, text, send photos, and share pieces of your life with them. Naturally, they have a response to anything big - or small - in your life. But strangers? That's what I don't understand....

Last night, we went to eat at Cracker Barrel. We didn't go because they were doing something for Veterans Day (they weren't), but simply because we wanted to. While we waited for our food, Joe suggested that I go look around the shop because I always want to and never get enough time whenever we go. Obviously I jumped at that chance. ;-) 

I took my time perusing the store, looking for possible Christmas gifts or cute clothes and toys for the girls. As I was looking over the toys, an employee stopped to ask if I was having a boy or girl. Since I'm very obviously pregnant, this is pretty common and unsurprising. I answered her, and she mentioned how fun it was shopping for a girl. I basically replied with, "Yes, I'm very familiar with that since I have an older daughter too." Then, of course, she asked the next obvious question: "How old is she?" When I told her that Charlotte is 19 months, she said nothing, but widened her eyes and stared at me.

She just stared. That was it.

But the look on her face said it all - all the things I've heard before:

Oh, you're going to have your hands full!

Don't you know how this happens?

Oh, that's awfully close together!

I bet that was a surprise!

And on and on and on. Because I couldn't care less what she had to say next (if anything), I laughed and walked away. 

Because what would she say if she knew? If she knew that we lost a baby before this one? If she knew that this baby was helping to slowly, but surely heal my heart? What would she say if she knew that I don't care that my hands will be full, because my heart will be overflowing? If she knew...she'd probably be the one walking away from the conversation with nothing left to say. 

I have no doubt that having 2 under 2 will be difficult. But I also know that this is my path. It was chosen for me - or I was chosen for it. And by the grace of God, I'll get through any tough times ahead. Besides, I'd rather have my young babies and my husband with me and have tough times, than not have them - or any one of them - at all.

Also, how can you be upset with someone for making cute kids like this one?!

(P.S. Let this serve as proof that we did, indeed, visit a pumpkin patch this year. ;-))

Little Things are Big Things, Too

Before Charlotte's nap this afternoon, she did one of the sweetest things ever. It wasn't big. It wasn't even as sweet as hearing her say "lub yoo" before bed. But for some reason, it just struck me. 

I finished reading her favorite pre-bedtime/naptime book, and she put her hands over her eyes, then removed them and said, "peek-a-boo!" (Which often sounds more like "book-a-boo", but is way cuter than saying it correctly, anyway. :)) 

Then, she put her hands over my eyes and played peek-a-boo for a few minutes.

It was just so sweet! And seeing her sweet little face light up was just priceless. 

So often I forget to share these little things that happen. It's not that things like this never happen in our house. It's that they happen, I enjoy them, and then we go on about our day. 

I read something today (can't remember where now) that I guess you could say inspired me to share more of the "little" things in life. Because if I don't share it...I'm likely to forget. And these days? These days when my baby (soon to be babies!) is little....I don't want to forget. I don't want to forget the unsolicited hugs, cuddles, and slobbery kisses. I don't want to forget the shouts of "hooray!" when she does something and gets excited. I don't want to forget the seemingly non-stop cries of "mommy, mommy, mommy!" I don't want to forget the way she imitates me - from putting on my shoes, to carrying one of my purses, to using a broken flat iron to "fix" her own hair.

Though these things may be little in the midst of a busy day or week, that doesn't make them less important. If anything, it makes them more important. 

Charlotte is one of the biggest and best blessings in my life, though being a mama is often trying. But I know when I look back in 10 or 20 years, I won't be remembering the diapers, tantrums, and sleepless nights. I'll remember the little things that made being a mama of a little one sweet.

Drowning

Do you ever just feel like you're drowning in the stuff of life? The dishes, the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the caring-for-a-tiny-human and husband? I'm feeling that way a lot lately.

Nothing is right. My hormones are off the stinkin' charts. I'm tired. I'm achey. I need to be more active, but OMG I'M TIRED. And it's hot outside. My allergies and asthma are kicking my butt lately, too. I'm on medicine and it helps, but I still get winded far too easily. The resident tiny human is clingy, often whiny, and almost always hungry. My husband is here, but not here, and not always a fan of how/when things get done. 

I feel like I'm drowning.

I definitely have more energy now than I did in my first trimester, but I'm still taking care of a toddler all day. Changing diapers, playing, feeding, cleaning, saying "no" a bazillion and one times, cuddling, translating, and often appeasing. 

There are still boxes of yard sale stuff hanging around (things that didn't sell *sigh*), which honestly doesn't motivate me to do much. Because, really? Boxes are clutter and don't make my house look clean even when it is actually clean. It just seems pointless sometimes. Okay, a lot of the time.

There is organizing to be done, but nowhere to organize things and put them away. For instance, my sewing and craft stuff. No room for the desk that once held  most of it. No shelves in the laundry room to store it. So it sits in a box in the soon-to-be-nursery awaiting a "home." The only thing out is my sewing machine, and all I've sewn in months are Charlotte's too-big pants and a new rank patch on one of Joe's PCs. I don't even have motivation to sew because of my lack of work space. UGH.

I still know next to no one in this town, but efforts are being made. (First time at PWOC this week!) I'm suffocating just knowing that I know so few people here. I may be an introvert, but I still need friends and people. Need. I just don't need them 24/7.

My hormones make me irritated (as previously mentioned).... Everyone and everything (at some point) irritates me - friends, family (sadly, they take the brunt of my hormones), the dog, something some random person did or said. I even know I'm not being completely rational, but it's hard not to feel the way your hormones say you should feel!

Basically? I feel like I'm getting next to nothing right. It's frustrating. I just feel defeated, which only propagates the issue. It doesn't make me want to do - or be - better. It just makes me want to sit here on the couch, wallow, and cry. I'm not even sure I know what to do anymore.

Or is it just the hormones talking?

Snippets

Woah. It's been a while since I've made an appearance on the blog! Suffice it to say we had a very good, very busy time on the mainland. It was full of time with family and friends. Despite Charlotte and I having colds  most of the time there, we enjoyed ourselves immensely. I'm in the process of uploading and editing the gazillion photos I took while we were there. {It was her first Christmas, after all.} So until that gets done, I've got a little something to share with you. 

When you spend a lot of time with your spouse, hilarity often ensues. Or is that just the case in our house? Anyway, we had an abundance of time together over the holidays. Joe has been so busy lately with work that we barely get a few hours in the evening together and our weekends always seem so rushed. So I guess our sillies came out when we had a lot of time alone... See for yourself.

One night while whispering quietly in the hall so as to not wake the baby...

Me: Come with me!
Joe: *looks confused* What? Comb your feet?
Me: *dies laughing* Yes, that's what I said. I want you to comb my feet! *laughs again* No, come with me!

In the car on the way to pick up Chick Fil A, looking at houses and cars on the road...

Me: I think that could be a Pontiac SunFire.
Joe: *pauses* A potty is on fire?
Me: Seriously?! *laughs* Yes, yes. I see a potty on fire. 

I mean, really? How does he come up with these things?!

And because I can't have a blog post without a picture...

This is us being suffocated by one of my SIL's dog's stinky gas. They were on their way back from New England, so we took a picture and sent it to her. :)

Anyone else get the sillies when you spend a lot of time with your hubby? 

Insta Tuesday

Hey there! I'm linking up with Taingamala again this week for Insta Tuesday - aka the day where I can show you all my Instagram pics from the last week without feeling like a lone weirdo. Ha! ;-)

First up...

I bought this beauty with some birthday money last week! =D I have really been wanting something Vera Bradley lately. I'm not sure why other than the obvious - her stuff is so pretty! I thought about getting something smaller, but I'd hardly use something like that right now. So I decided to go with something more mom-friendly and this is what I ended up with! I love it!

Sigh. I got this email this week... Did they even read my blog?! My name is NOT Amy. I'm pretty sure it says that somewhere on this blog of mine. Geeeeez.

Charlotte and I went for a bit of a walk and I remembered I bought her some sunglasses. She always blinks like crazy when we go outside, so I thought these might help. They worked like a charm! They're a bit big for her, but, eh. They work! And, hey, don't we look cute?! =)

I sat her down on the couch for just a minute so I could do something and she was all happy about it! She's getting to be such a big girl...

Yummy fingers!! She's been chewing on her fingers a lot recently. Must be doing something good for her if she's doing it all the time.

I asked Joe to come back in the living room for something the other night and this is what he did instead. Kinda funny...but also kinda creepy! He's so weird. =P It's a good thing I like him! Haha!

I said it in yesterday's post, but I still can't believe this little girl is 4 months old!!! She's growing so fast!

Thanks for "tuning in!" Hope you enjoyed a look at our week. Remember, you can always follow me on Instagram (or anywhere else!) by clicking one of the buttons on the right sidebar.

Hope you're having a great week so far!