Reboot

In my last post {which was basically a bajillion years ago...about that} I mentioned this whole, up-in-the-air PCS business. For the past several months my mind has been preoccupied with this situation. Mostly, I've been in denial that it's happening. Somewhere along the way I got attached to this place - this house, this area, this town. I'm not sure why, or how, or when it happened. But at some point, this place began to feel like home and the idea of leaving wasn't something I could handle. 

In the past, when it's come time for us to move, I've been ready. When I moved to be with Joe during his training, I was just ready for us to be together again - it didn't really matter where it was. When he got orders to Hawaii, I was beyond thrilled to have the opportunity to live there (and you know, SEE Hawaii!) even if it meant leaving family. Our time there turned out to be much different than I had ever imagined, but I still wouldn't trade it. When it came time to leave Hawaii and come back to GA, I was ready. Hesitant to say goodbye to the place where I became a mom (and earned my milspouse stripes), I was still ready for the next thing. When word came that we would be moving early next year....even I was surprised at my extreme desire to stay here. (Though I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that we bought a house here, because of Joe's plans to ETS.)

Until this weekend, I wasn't ready to go.

I had a girls' night planned for this party Friday evening. I invited everyone I could think of that I know here. (And even a few people I didn't! Hello, outside my comfort zone.) I had even decided to set up my Jamberry stuff so that we could have fun and do our nails. (And, okay, I'd be lying if I said I didn't hope to get some sales or bookings out of it.) But really, I wanted to have friends over. I think I let myself believe (somehow) that if I had real friends here, that if I was doing something in my community - making a difference, making connections - that God wouldn't make me leave. (...I don't even know....)

I spent the entire day prepping. I had Joe help me do some cleaning the night before, but with 2 kiddos I had more to do that day, too. I cooked, I cleaned, I even ran out to get a few more things - with both kids, on a cold, cloudy day that I would have much rather been cuddling on the couch with them! They were cranky because I was busy all day. I was cranky because they were cranky. Then I get a text from Joe saying his supervisors (powers that be, whoever they are) were making them stay late. Meaning I'd somehow have to get the kids to bed myself before the party started. EEEEEK! Hello, more stress. Miraculously, he arrived home just as I was feeding a very cranky Millie. I put Charlotte to bed while Joe scarfed down a quick dinner. She's been fussy with her bedtime routine lately, so I didn't notice the time when I put her down. 

10 minutes after party time and no one had arrived. 

I checked my phone to find a last-minute cancellation. Texted another girl who had been a 'maybe'.

15 minutes.

20 minutes.

I cried. I cleaned up my supplies. Put the food away. 

Cried some more while my husband tried to cheer me. 

Texted my bestie a few times. 

Don't know what I'd do without those 2. ^

I know if a few friends had been available, they would have been here. A couple were out of town, another had a previous engagement, just bad timing for a couple others. 

But in the end it left me feeling.....unloved, I guess. Not because of the Jamberry/sales thing. Jamberry isn't my/our livelihood. I do it because I enjoy it, and the product. No, it upset me because it made me realize what few real friends I've made here. 

I don't think anyone is to blame, really. I've put myself out there - going to PWOC every week I've been able. We were in small group at our church for a while, but it fizzled out due to crazy schedules. The 2 people I was closest to (and who helped me many times while Joe was TDY back in February) have since moved. I keep in touch with one of them, but it's not the same as having someone come sit on your couch. I know I'm introverted (and incredibly awkward in social situations pretty frequently), which is why I've tried as much as I can. 

Now? 

I think I'm ready to move on - to 'reboot' and start new somewhere else. I love our house, this town, and our church.... But these aren't things to hold on to. Yes, finding someone to rent our house (and dealing with all that comes with renting) will be a hassle. No, I may not like another town as much as this one. No, finding a new church won't be easy (it never is). But why should these things matter?

Right now I'm realizing that as long as I have my family and Jesus, I've got all that really matters. And when it comes right down to it, as long as I've got the love of Jesus I'm getting far more than I ever deserve. So my husband and kids are even more blessings, which is why I tried to spend the rest of the weekend focusing on them instead of trying to hold on to something not worthwhile. 

My goal for this week is to just focus on Jesus, my family, and spending some time with my much-neglected sewing machine. I'm hoping to list a few fun things in my Etsy shop soon, if any one is interested. 

Here's to refocusing, readjusting, and rebooting life -- all thanks to God's daily, fresh mercies.

Marriage Matters

This is something that's been on my heart and mind for a little while now. It seems like everywhere I look on social media lately someone is getting divorced. And honestly, it breaks my heart a little bit every time I see it. I think about the hearts, families, and children involved and it just makes me so sad. I suppose that's in part because my [biological] parents are divorced. Even though they divorced when I was about Millie's age, it still affected me growing up. And there were absolutely times when it was painfully difficult.

It pains me to see it because I, too, know that marriage is hard. Although I won't go into detail (some things just don't need to be shared), Joe and I have had our fair share of tough times. There were days when I wasn't sure if we'd make it; days when I wondered if he really did love me. There have been days - weeks, even - when all I could feel toward him was anger and tension; days when we fought, and I cried my eyes out. 

Reality check: marriage isn't easy. It isn't all rainbows, butterflies, happy babies, and happily ever afters. It takes work. And military marriages? Well, it's my personal opinion that military marriages take twice the work because we endure frequent separations, cross-country moves, daily upheavals, and frustrations. There are times we go days or weeks, (for some of you months) without speaking. It's really hard to make a marriage work when you can't see or talk to them for long periods of time. 

When we got married 6 years ago, I had no idea that marriage would take work. I didn't know that we'd need to have the same discussion 5 times just to understand each other's ideas and expectations. I didn't know that I'd do certain things that would drive him crazy, and vice versa. I didn't understand the brand new challenge kids add to a marriage. And since I didn't marry a military man (he joined after our first anniversary), I had no clue what challenges we would face as a military couple.

Knowing how divorce can affect children, it was (and has always been) my aspiration to keep my family whole - no matter what it takes. I don't want my babies to know the pain and frustration I've dealt with throughout my life. Even though it was just a part of growing up for me, I think it's normal for us to want better for our kids. Doesn't every parent want that? 

In the end, though, we make it work because we made a commitment to God and each other. And it's not just a stay-together-because-of-the-kids type thing. It's actual work: having hard conversations, doing dig-deep Bible studies (and groups), and even counseling from pastors at church. We have to make "us time" a priority, too, although I admit that's something we struggle with. Really, that's mostly because our kids are so young. We can't always afford a babysitter (or find one we trust), and we can't always leave them with sitters because I'm breast feeding Millie. Instead, we try to find things to do together at home - new shows or movies to watch, talk about things after the kids are in bed, etc. 

I know that sometimes it's one person who wants to end a marriage, while the other has done everything they can to save it. I've seen it. Sometimes it's God's plan for a couple to separate for a while, and sometimes God allows a marriage to dissolve even though He absolutely hates divorce. That's probably another reason I feel so much about this issue. I know that divorce breaks His heart; how can mine not be broken over it?

Marriage is the foundation of our family - of any family. To have a healthy family - spiritually and emotionally - we have to make our marriage healthy. We have to put God first (also something we struggle with), recognize when we're having a hard time, deal with our problems, and do hard things. We're modeling marriage for our children, and I want them to know what they should be looking for when the day comes that they'll get married. I want them to see two people who love God, love each other, respect each other, love their family, and love others. Maybe that will include some arguing. Maybe that will include some tough times. But no matter what, I want them to know that we still love and are committed to each other. Because we don't give up when things get hard. We turn to God, ask for direction, seek help, and do the work we need to do to get better.

Marriage matters. Families matter. People matter. 

Brattitude

I'm constantly surprised at how much stuff I can learn from just one little page of a book...

After doing some reading today, I realized that it's super easy for us (especially these days) to feel entitled to things. Even the simple things...a house, a car, a phone, a TV, etc. Most of us even expect to have the so-called American Dream - a spouse, 2 kids, a couple of pets, a house, white picket fence, etc. I know I pretty much expected to have/get all of those things when I "grew up." It wasn't a matter of "if," but "when." So when I read this today, it's safe to say I was slightly convicted of my attitudes...

The tough thing about this one little devotion, is that there is so much truth in it. I'm pretty sure I jotted down multiple "points" from each paragraph. Seriously. Really what it all boils down to is my attitude - my sense of entitlement, and my need for control. Those are serious issues! 

I've said before that I know I don't have control over everything in my life, and I know that it's for the best. But I also know that I can get pretty dependent on myself and not want to give things over to God for Him to take care of, especially the "small" stuff. So when things happen, I get upset. I get angry. I get frustrated (or whatever) because God let something happen to me (like our gas getting shut off unexpectedly right before my parents' visit) - or he took something away (my dream of having our family together next week/month/year).

I really should rest in knowing that everything is in God's hands. I mean, really. Because His plans are always better than mine...and they always happen at the perfect time. Even when I don't get my way, or what I think I should get, when I think I should get it - it works out for the best. 

It was not in my plans for Joe to be laid off, and then enlist in the Army. But then we never would have moved to Hawaii, I might never have started blogging, and I might not have the friends I've made along the way. It was definitely not my ideal plan for Joe to get deployed right after we moved to Hawaii. But we might not have Charlotte if he hadn't gone. It was not my plan to get pregnant so quickly after having Charlotte, nor did it ever enter my mind that I might have a miscarriage. But without either of those things happening, I might not have this baby girl growing and moving in my belly right now.

But for some reason, I can't always remember those things. Sometimes, it's difficult to accept what's going on in my life... Maybe because my focus isn't where it should be. And that's why I need these kinds of reminders. Because, man, wouldn't it be awesome for something like this to be said about me?!

He said..."The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away. Blessed be the name of the LORD." Through all this Job did not sin nor did he blame God. ~ Job 1:21-22

He didn't even blame God... After all he went through - losing his home, his family, his livestock, being severely ill and covered in boils - he didn't blame God. I don't think I can say the same...at least not after losing our baby in February. I'll be the first to admit that I was mad at God for allowing it to happen. 

But the thing is...that anger did nothing for me. It didn't make me feel better, it didn't really help me grieve - it just got me stuck. I was stuck in that place for a while...until I found myself in church, singing along, and bursting into tears. Why? Because I knew my anger and resentment couldn't heal me. All the anger and stages of grief in the world couldn't heal me, but God could.

I suppose that's why the verse from Job resonated with me so much, along with the phrase from the devotion:

"The best response to loss or thwarted hopes is praise: The LORD gives and the LORD takes away. Blessed be the name of the LORD."

So here I go, off to demolish my "brattitude" of entitlement, and need for control... 

Change

The longer I'm a military spouse, the more I think that word should be every branch's motto. (Well, that or "hurry up and wait. Am I right?!)

In the last few months, days, and weeks, I've been told all of the following:

The deployment has been pushed back again.

So-and-so doesn't think this deployment will happen.

The preliminary deployment list came out today. I'm on it.

We're going to be in the field for a week, doing pre-deployment training.

So-and-so doesn't think this deployment will happen.

We found out today where we'll be while we're deployed.

We're going to be in the field for a week, doing pre-deployment training.

So-and-so doesn't think this deployment will happen.

I may be going TDY for a month, starting next week.

You guys. My mind and emotions are reeling from all of this. When Joe deployed right after we got to Hawaii, it was set in stone. Or maybe it just seemed that way. I think there was maybe one day when he told me they'd been back and forth about him actually deploying. But that was it. None of this back-and-forth for weeks. We got there, he was on the deployment list, he packed his bags and left. For a year. Bam. Just like that.

There's still been no 100% official word either way on this upcoming deployment. (We've known about this deployment since early this year!) And then there's this TDY business. I don't even think there's a 100% chance he will actually go TDY - probably more like 50%. 

All of this change and lack of solid plans is killing me. I mean, I know this is the Army we're talking about here, and nothing is "officially official" until you have paperwork in your hands and/or are on a plane somewhere. I know I should probably be used to this by now... I know. But there's this part of me that wants to have control - that wants to know exactly when he's leaving, or if he's leaving at all. And the hardest truth of all?

I've got control over none of it. Nothing.

It's a human/sin nature thing, I suppose - to think that we can have control over our lives. I also think that this is another one of those lessons God's been trying to teach me for a while. Maybe I've just refused to listen, or maybe I just need to relearn it. Either way, it should have come to no surprise to me when this little message was waiting for me in my Bible study earlier this week:

Excerpt from Serving You by Kristen Strong

The Army's plans for Joe - and, consequently, my life - change frequently. But God doesn't change.

Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever. ~ Hebrews 13:8

Whatever is good and perfect comes down to us from God our Father, who created all the lights in the heavens. He never changes or casts a shifting shadow. ~James 1:17

Not only does He not change, but He has better plans for me than I have for me. 

"For I know the plans I have for you," says the LORD. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." ~Jeremiah 29:11

Something even more intriguing:

We can make our plans, but the LORD determines our steps. ~ Proverbs 16:9

I can make all the plans in the world, but ultimately God decides where my feet will land. Because His plans are always best, and only He knows what the future truly holds.

"My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts," says the LORD. "And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine. For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so my ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts. ~ Isaiah 55:8-9

Remember the things I have done in the past. For I alone am God! I am God, and there is none like me. Only I can tell you the future before it even happens. Everything I plan will come to pass... ~ Isaiah 46:9-10

I like that first part of Isaiah 46:9 - "Remember the things I have done in the past." Because, if I look back at all the things He's brought me (and Joe) through...it's easy and clear to see that he'll bring us through whatever comes our way. Even if that means a deployment...or a TDY. Let's face it - any separation is tough. 1 month, 4 months, 9 months, or 12 months (or more) are all difficult on our marriages and families. If I only have previous experiences to go off of, I know that God will bring us through it. I just have to remember that.

But it sure won't be easy.

...Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world. ~ John 16:33

Complaints of an Awful Day

Right now, all I want to do is complain. I want to sit and wallow in the junk I was handed yesterday. It's a really crappy situation...not unbearable, but extremely frustrating and overwhelming. 

I spent the better part of my day on the phone with our gas company. Because apparently, shutting our gas off can be done whenever they feel like it, but turning it back on (while charging us for it) will take about 5 days. And over the course of that 5 days, my parents will be visiting. For, like, the first time ever.

You want to know what's really funny (ironically so) about this situation? My Bible study from this morning. It's like God was trying to prepare me for it. Well, I suppose it isn't "like" He was trying to prepare me for it - He was preparing me for it. {Although I definitely would have appreciated a larger sign. =P} When I do my Bible study, I usually like to write down a few points and verses I want to remember. I can't just read something and move on, because it won't stick. I have to write it down. Here's the very first thing I wrote down:

Complaining opens the door to self-pity and rage.

Before I discovered that our gas had been shut off, that phrase was intriguing and thought-provoking, but nothing more. It didn't really affect me. I mean, sure, I complain. We all do, right? So, yeah, I could do a bit less of it. I suppose I really needed a lesson on this today, because it doesn't stop there.

Venting to God instead of others tempers our thoughts and help us see things from His perspective.

I tried so hard to do that today. I will admit that I pretty much failed. I did vent to Him...at first. But as the day wore on, I wore out. I was upset, tired, overwhelmed, and extremely hormonal. I was mad at Joe, mad at Charlotte {because OMG why won't you just chill out, child?! Not my best mommy moments today}, mad at the gas company, mad at the company they use for their technicians, mad at my doctor, mad that I had to take a freezing cold shower...on and on and on. 

And now I'm really kicking myself for spending so much time marking verses, only to pretty much disregard them the rest of the day. I did try, I did pray, I did vent to Him. But at some point I got so overwhelmed - so stuck in my head that I just stopped. It's easier to lash out. But, gosh, is it exhausting. In particular, I really wish I'd remembered this verse:

For I have given rest to the weary and joy to the sorrowing. ~ Jeremiah 31:25

I was absolutely weary by 3pm. I was physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted. I'd been "on" mentally from the time I was supposed to take my shower in the morning, until about 2pm. That's a pretty big chunk of time to be focused on solving one single problem. But that's a problem, too. I should have done what I could and then given the rest to God. Instead, I hung on to the problem and continued to worry about it. Even though there was absolutely nothing else I could do, I worried. 

Then my worry turned back into frustration. Joe came home (and with cookies!) and I took out my frustration on him. You know, because that's what you do when you're upset. UGH. I'm definitely not proud of it, and I hate that I made him feel bad after he'd already had a bad day. Clearly winning all over the place. I wish I'd remembered this verse, too:

...we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. ~ 2 Corinthians 10:5b

Yeah... It's safe to say not very many of my thoughts were obedient yesterday. I really, really, really wish I had paid better attention. At the very least I wish I had even thought there would be a possibility that I actually needed this lesson. Because, wow, what a day.

Maybe next time I'll pay better attention? 

Or maybe I'll do what Gideon did and ask for a bigger sign... {Judges 6}

Maybe.

Reflections

I don't have much of anything to say today, but I still wanted to post something. I mean, obviously I didn't post over the weekend, so the whole 31 days thing is kind of shot at this point.

Anyway.

Coming home from my OB appointment yesterday, I was listening to a local Christian radio station. I recently found it (yeah, after 6 months!), so I've been listening when I'm in the car lately. I kinda missed Christian radio! A song that I've heard probably a gazillion times came on and really just spoke to me. Here are some of the lyrics:

It's your life

What you gonna do?

The world is watching you

Every day the choices you make

Say what you are and who

Your heart beats for

It's an open door

It's your life*

It hit me because it's so true, especially in today's world. What with social media, there are "eyes" on me at all times. Here on my blog, FB, Twitter, IG...everywhere, people are watching. No, they're probably not watching and waiting for me to screw up or something, but they do see how I live my life. It's probably obvious to anyone who visits any of my social media sites that I'm a Christian. That I'm a conservative. That my husband is in the military. That I'm a mother. On and on and on. People see how I react to certain situations: loss, deployment, and day-to-day junk. 

How I respond to whatever situation I'm in is a direct reflection of who I am, and Whose I am. Every choice I make is a reflection of my heart. Every. Single. One. The same is true for everyone, as well. Our choices - how we spend time and money - reflect who we are.

I hope my choices reflect me and my heart well. I know I've made some not-so-great ones in the past. And I know that I'll probably make some not-so-great ones in the future, too. But the important thing is that I continue to make choices that aren't in my nature - my selfish, sinful, human nature - so that I can reflect more of God and less of me.

That, my friends, is quite the challenge.

*Song title is It's Your Life, by Fancesca Battistelli. You can click here to hear the whole song, and you should! It's a really great one. :) Also, I'm just sharing because I like the song, not because anyone asked me to share. Yay, disclaimers. =P

On Repeat

Do you ever feel like you keep hearing the same thing over and over again? The same phrase, word, song or verse? That's where I'm at right now. 

I shared two posts last week about fears and worrying. In between those posts and this one, some other things came up in my studies - things I thought I'd post about today or at some point this week. Clearly God is trying to beat me over the head with teach me something here, so I feel like I should share it, too.

Today I cracked open my Jesus Calling book, as I've been doing for a while. It's a really good devotional, and I highly recommend it. Anyway, within the first few lines, this is what I read:

"Accept each day as it comes to you, remembering that I am sovereign over your life. 

...Thank Me in all circumstances."

So, hmmm. Okay. Further down:

"Trust me and don't be fearful; thank me and rest in my sovereignty."

And there it is: "don't be fearful." Are we sensing a theme yet? I sure am! I suppose I'm beginning to understand why He keeps sending me this very same message over and over and over again. First, it obviously hasn't sunk in yet. Second, I'm more fearful about things than I realize most of the time.

{source}

Even entering my third trimester hasn't stopped the fear of losing another baby, this baby - my little Millie. Random thoughts will pop into my head that never did when I was pregnant with Charlotte. That kind of naiveté was taken from me when I miscarried in February. I don't spend every waking moment worrying about Millie - I don't. Thankfully, she is pretty active. But when I realize I haven't felt her move in a few hours, I tend to panic a bit. Or I read a blog post somewhere about someone losing a baby. And then I spend a while - minutes? hours? - either reliving my miscarriage or preparing (in some strange way) to lose another baby. I don't know why on earth I do this to myself, but I do. Or is it even me? Is it just the thief and I'm listening to his evil little whispers, letting him steal my joy? Either. Both. Who knows?

Then, of course, there's the fear of the deployment. Even though we've been through one before, there's still a lot of unknown territory for this next one. He's going somewhere different, with different people, in a different situation, with a different mission. We are also different. We have babies now. One of whom will realize his absence and potentially feel it immensely. Sure, she won't remember - neither of them will - but she will still experience it. It will still shape her in ways that can't be known by either of us. Even if his absence isn't as long as "they" say it will be, any extended absence will be difficult for her. In turn, it will be difficult for me as well. 

So what am I to do?

Trust God. Rest in His sovereignty. 

So humble yourselves under the mighty power of God, 

and at the right time he will lift you up in honor.  ~1 Peter 5:6

Be thankful, because there is always something to be thankful for.

Be thankful in all circumstances, 

for this is God's will for you 

who belong to Christ Jesus. ~ 1 Thessalonians 5:18

*Oddly enough, I just put this verse in a frame on the bar in the kitchen/dining area. See what I mean about common themes here?!

Give my worries and fears to Him. Pray.

Give all your worries to him, for he cares about you. ~ 1 Peter 5:7

I prayed to the LORD, and he answered me. 

He freed me from all my fears. ~ Psalm 34:4

I know you're thinking the same thing I am - easier said than done. I know. Really, it's not in our nature to let go of our fears, to trust God, to be thankful when we're scared, mad or upset. It's not. But being obedient to God and choosing to trust, to let go, and to be thankful will be rewarded. Maybe not in ways we imagine, or when we think, but our efforts will be honored (see 1Peter 5:6). And seriously, look at that last verse! "He freed me from all my fears." Freedom. From ALL my fears. I want that! Isn't that worth tough choices, and tough days? 

Maybe one day soon I'll learn this lesson God's been trying to teach me. Until then, I'm sure he'll have it on repeat...just for me.

Able

We sing this song a quite a bit at our church. This weekend it kind of struck a chord (no pun intended...;)) with me. Really, it's a good reminder that while I may not be able to do something, to handle a situation, or fix something, He can. 

Lifted up
He defeated the grave
Raised to life
Or God is able
In His name
We overcome
For the Lord 
Our God is able

God is with us
He will go before
He will never leave us
He will never leave us
God is for us
He has open arms
He will never fail us
He will never fail us

Even just the chorus of this song gets me. He died. He rose again. He promises to always be with me. So why do I freak out when the possibility of tough situations arise? I know it's human nature - human sin nature. It's so hard to get past. But I love that this song serves as a reminder that while I can't do "great" (very hard) things, He can. And I can overcome whatever situation I face in His name.

I hope this encourages you today as much as it does me! 

Fear

Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid. ~John 14:27

This verse has come up so many times over the past month that I really should have it memorized by now. I'm fairly certain that's a teeny little hint from God.... Oddly enough, it was one I hung on to while Joe was in basic training. Before the military, we'd barely been separated. 2 months' worth of training with very little contact was slightly terrifying for me...as was the potential for him to come back a completely different person.

Anyway, there's that word "peace" again. But this time it comes with an even better command  - don't be afraid. Yikes. I'm not sure any one of us could name someone who wasn't afraid before a deployment. Even if they were only a tiny bit afraid. Let's face it, we're sending loved ones off to war - to a place where men wreak havoc daily, not caring for anyone in their paths. Even Joe, who has a "safe" job, was awarded a CAB (Combat Action Badge) at the end of his last deployment. Translation? He and his unit were under fire, and heavy fire at that. So, "don't be afraid" is a very hard one for me.

Hard as it may be to find peace or to not be afraid, the fact of the matter is this:

The thief's purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life. ~John 10:10

I may know it, but it really is hard to grasp sometimes... My future is in God's hands. It's not in mine. Whether I worry or not, I can't change what will happen. And worry? It's a tool of the enemy, and boy is it effective! The worry I let creep into my mind absolutely kills my joy for the here-and-now. The time I spend worrying keeps me from spending time on something else, even if it's just something like starting a load of laundry.

I love this quote from the devotion book Jesus Calling. I read it just the other day, and it spoke volumes to me.

"Your future is in My hands; I release it to you day by day, moment by moment. Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow. I want you to live this day abundantly, seeing all there is to see, doing all there is to do. Don't be distracted by future concerns. Leave them to Me!"

I am 1000% guilty of worrying about the future, even the trivial stuff. It's hard not to be afraid of sending Joe off on deployment again. God doesn't want me to worry.... Why?

He wants me to have a rich and satisfying life. What part of worrying is satisfying? Except for the feeling of control it gives us, nothing about worrying is satisfying. If anything, it's stressful. It doesn't solve anything. Worrying can often make a problem worse, because of all the "what ifs" we put together in our minds. (Don't act like you don't do it, too!) 

There's nothing rich, fun, satisfying, or life-giving about worrying or being afraid of the future. So why do we do it? Human (sin) nature. Lies of the enemy we've allowed to creep in. Habit. The only way we can combat this is to keep praying and focusing on Him. I say this as much to myself as to anyone else. Because, really? Worry and fear can be crippling if we let them. And God wants so much more for us than that! So, so much more.

Faith in the Dark: Peace

Even before we moved to Georgia we knew that Joe's unit was set for a deployment. It's been pushed back a few times, and it's even been rumored that it wouldn't happen. As the days draw nearer, though, it's becoming more and more of a reality. 

A few weeks ago, Joe came home and told me that the initial list of personnel deploying came out. Of course his name was on it. It wasn't much of a surprise - especially considering his job - but it cut me to the core anyway. Almost instantly I started grieving his presence here, thinking of all the moments he'd miss with the girls. If it were just me, I think I could handle it. The thought of dealing with a deployment as a parent - of not just one, but two tiny girls - is crippling. The diapers, the middle of the night feedings, asking for Daddy, firsts without him here... All of it just seems so overwhelming.

In the days that followed that information, I started doing a Bible study, going to PWOC, and really trying to talk to God. Because one of two things will happen regarding this deployment - 1) Joe will deploy and only God will get me through it, or 2) only God will be able to keep him from deploying. Either way, He's the one I need to be talking to. 

And as only God can do, every time I crack open a devotion book, or the Bible app on my phone, an extremely appropriate verse comes up. Maybe it shouldn't surprise me by now, but it does. I wish you guys could see all of the verses I've highlighted, bookmarked on my app, or written down. It would really take too long (aka: too much effort) to show you, but I am going to share a few things with you. 

One of the first verses that came up during my devotion time was this one:

For God is not the author of confusion but of peace, as in all the churches of the saints. ~ 1 Corinthians 14:33

Remember that post I wrote about finding peace? Yeah, this verse (and others) were a big part of that. Whatever happens - whether Joe stays or goes - God doesn't want me to be in a state of confusion or panic. He wants me to rely on Him and have peace. I don't know about you, but I find it so hard to find peace in times like these. Whether you're waiting for deployment or PCS orders, it's difficult to be at peace while you're waiting. (Impatient much?!)

I've been reading from a devotion book called Jesus Calling quite a bit lately. My MIL gave it to me for my birthday and it's really been great. I'm not a huge fan of people picking out books and/or devotions for me (though I certainly don't turn them away), but I have to say this one has been absolutely perfect. Not to mention timely. Anyway, here's a quote from August 26...it reached right into my heart and mind.

"When you start to feel stressed, detach yourself from the disturbances around you. Instead of desperately striving to maintain order and control in your little world, relax and remember that circumstances cannot touch My Peace. ...The Peace I give is sufficient for you."

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. ~ John 14:27a

Can I just say, "WOW!" I mean, how completely true is that? As soon as life gets me frazzled, I start trying to control this or that, just to feel like my whole world isn't going to come apart. Because that's what it's like when they leave, isn't it? Murphy steps in, causes all sorts of trouble, and then we somehow forget that we actually can't control it all.

Honestly, I don't have any kind of answer as to finding this peace, like, ASAP. What I do know is that I need that peace, and that it takes a daily...submission and surrendering of my thoughts and actions in order to feel a semblance of peace about my not-so certain future.

Bad Things, Good People, and God

My heart is breaking for some people right now.

As I was messing around on FB Saturday night, I found out that an acquaintance gave birth to a little girl...who was stillborn. I barely know her, and yet my heart hurts for her. I don't quite know the pain she is experiencing, yet I do to a certain degree.

Sunday morning, I woke and checked my phone to kill time before Charlotte woke up. There I found that Diana's little boy was doing worse. This woman... A strong Christian, and contributor to a blog/women's bible study group online, is losing her third little boy in the span of about a year. Last year, her twin boys were born at 19 weeks. One lived minutes, the other a few hours. I haven't been keeping up with her blog very much since then, so I don't know the details of this pregnancy. I only recently found out she'd had a little boy. A boy who was supposed to be her rainbow baby.

To a point, I can relate. After going through a miscarriage, I know the fear that sets in early on in a subsequent pregnancy. The fear of losing again. The fear of not being excited about being pregnant. (Oh, yeah. How's that for guilt?!) Then there's the realization that God is in control. So you let go of the fear, embrace the pregnancy and allow yourself to feel excited. You allow yourself to plan, to hope, to dream.

After all that, I can't imagine what she's feeling right now. I just can't. Truthfully, it makes me scared, too. It's selfish, but it makes me scared for me - for my family. Because if this can happen to her - someone with whom I share similarities - it could happen me, too.

I know there are many people out there thinking, questioning how God can allow these things to happen to good people - His people. The answer is... There isn't an answer that will satisfy us. Not really. Our world is broken, and full of sin. It's why we die. It's why people kill other people. Sin is why bad things happen to good people. Yes, God is ultimately in control, but we sinful people broke the world He built for us in the beginning. Good people - even Christians - aren't exempt from the consequences of our sin. God didn't promise us an easy life just because we're believers.

{From KLOVE's FB page}

Even if God could answer our "why" questions, would they be enough for us? If God told me he allowed me to miscarry our second baby because it would teach me something about Him, myself, and others like me, would that satisfy my heart? Would it make me grateful? I honestly doubt it. If God told the thousands of women struggling with infertility, that He wanted them to wait until He said it was time, would that satisfy them? Would it make their struggle easier to accept? My guess is that it probably wouldn't.

God is in control. Even in the bad things in our lives, He is good. He is faithful. He cares for us. He wants to hold us through the tough things, and even the not-so-tough things.

{From Proverbs 31 Ministries' FB page.}

{Edited to add:} This morning, through a post on SheReadsTruth, I learned that Diana's little boy passed away. I can't begin to say how much my heart hurts for them. Please pray for her family. And also, please read the post written on SheReadsTruth. It perfectly depicts the heart of a believer in times like these.

Consider it Joy

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, 

whenever you face trials of many kinds, 

because you know that the testing of your 

faith produces perseverance.

~ James 1:2-3

I've tried to write a post similar to this for at least 3 weeks. Each time I start writing and then lose steam on it. Gosh, it's hard for me to talk about. It's hard to put into words how I'm feeling and what I'm thinking, unless I'm talking to someone who's been there. It's so hard to explain, these feelings surrounding miscarriage.

It's sad; it's painful; it makes you jealous; it makes you ache; it makes you long for what you lost. It makes you angry - at yourself, your body, women who get - and stay - pregnant so easily, and God. That last one is the hardest to admit, at least for me. Even though it's normal, it still feels wrong to say you're angry at God. 

I wouldn't necessarily say I'm no longer angry about losing our baby, because something could set me off tomorrow and I'd feel it again. That's the thing about grief - it sneaks up on you sometimes. Even the smallest thing could make me feel the pain of loss so much stronger than usual. Then I end up crying out of nowhere... Retreating to the bed or the shower for a short while. Or I distract myself with Charlotte or busywork or reading.

Over the last few weeks, we've had the extreme pleasure of going back to the church we found when we were here a few years ago. The worship and the teaching have been amazing, and I'm beginning to feel a change. Even since the first week we visited, I've felt like a switch has been flipped. I don't even really know how to explain it, which is how I know that it's all God's doing.

I'm slowly starting to give it all over to God. Honestly, it sounds kind of silly to me considering it was all in His hands in the first place, but.... This is really a big step. I'm on my way to acceptance. Accepting that God has a bigger plan, a bigger purpose. Accepting that God is bigger than death - and that Jesus overcame it. Accepting that God gives and takes. Accepting that, while my baby is gone from this earth,  I will be okay. 

In the sermon this Sunday, I took these notes and then sent it to my bestie. Because, dang. If it isn't convicting I don't know what is.

Genuine faith is strengthened by pain. We're not just supposed to endure it. We're to "consider it joy" - to celebrate it, because God will bring purpose from it. It's to bring you closer to Him. You get tools from it {pain} you wouldn't otherwise. 

Romans 8:28 - And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

That verse right there? From Romans? That's the hope I'm choosing to hang on to today. Because without it, what do I have? I have a broken mess of a heart, aching over the loss of my sweet second little baby, who was here for just a moment. I will {and do} still feel pain, but one day this loss will have purpose and something good will come from it.

I believe.

I trust.

But it's still hard.

Loss

This is a post I never, ever in a million years wanted to write. I suppose I don't even have to, but I know it'll be healing for me and possibly help others. So here I am. Sharing another detail of my life that I never thought would happen - at least not to me. I would love to write this with eloquence and precision, but I'm not sure it's going to come out that way. When such emotion surrounds something like this, it's hard to put into words exactly how you feel.

Last week our family suffered a sudden loss. There was no real warning, no signs of anything being wrong...until it was wrong.

Much to everyone's surprise, we found out a few weeks ago that I was pregnant. I was incredibly shocked and also overwhelmed at the thought of having 2 babies under 2 years old. Obviously there are many women who do it (and have done it), but I just wasn't ready. I spent a few days feeling extremely overwhelmed and upset. But the longer I thought - and prayed - about it, the more confident and encouraged I became. I had my OB registration appointment and was really looking forward to hearing our second little one's heartbeat. 

I never got that chance.

The day before Valentine's Day was set to be a fairly busy one. Joe took Jasper to the vet at 8am and then had to go to work. I needed to get groceries at some point during the day, so I took him to work after he brought Jasper home. Once Joe was at work and Charlotte was down for a nap, I did a little blogging. I was excited to share our news with all of you. Once the post was written and saved as a draft, I headed for the shower. 

It was only then I knew something was wrong. 

I never bled even once when I was pregnant with Charlotte. I cramped something fierce the entire first trimester, but never bled. I had been cramping on and of for the last week with this one, but given my history I didn't worry about it. But this? This wasn't right. I knew it.

After my shower, I dressed, called Joe, ate, fed Charlotte and picked Joe up from worked. We headed to Tripler to find out what was going on. They did blood work and then we waited for over 2 hours. 2 very painful, scary hours. We waited again in a room, until finally a nurse came and asked if I'd been seen. Apparently they lost my chart. Anyhow, a doctor finally came in and did an ultrasound.

The baby was too small to be 8 weeks. It looked about 6 weeks, according to the doctor. I knew that this baby was much smaller than Charlotte had been at 8 weeks and she is a tiny baby. I knew something wasn't right. They couldn't find a heartbeat, but that's not uncommon for a 6 week baby. The doctor didn't see anything particularly concerning and my HcG levels weren't abnormal for 6 weeks either. We left with no real answers.

Valentine's Day was worse. Much worse. I bled. I cramped - more like contracted. I knew. It was too much, all of it. I knew there was nothing short of a miracle that would keep a baby alive with all that going on.

Joe had to work. His NCOs weren't sympathetic at all. He wasn't able to come home until around 6, so I spent the day with Charlotte trying not to let her see how much pain I was in. Although, having her here was also a good thing. Sometimes the only relief I felt was when I nursed her. {I had made the decision when we found out I was pregnant that I'd breastfeed her until she weaned herself, even through a pregnancy.}

Later that evening, our baby went to be with Jesus. 

Source: diseaseclick.com via Christine on Pinterest

It's still shocking to think about. It happened so quickly, and with no real warning. Maybe there were signs along the way that I missed, but I'll never know for sure. 

This pain...is indescribable. All I can really say is that I feel empty.

Source: tumblr.com via Lori on Pinterest

It's been very hard for the last week. I go between laughing at my sweet girl {and I'm thanking God every minute for that girl} and crying over our second baby. Or crying over pregnancy and ultrasound photos on FB and everywhere else on the internet. It's not that I don't want other people to be happy - I do. It's just a grieving for something precious I won't get this time around.

Ever since I found this on Pinterest, I've been clinging to it. It's comforting, somehow, to know that this pain will be for good someday. 

I also found a blog post somewhere that a woman wrote about her miscarriage. She said she found comfort knowing her baby never felt pain or sadness, or any of the terrible things in this world. I'm trying to do the same... And I'm trying to focus on the fact that she (I don't know what the baby was, but it's easier to have a pronoun to use :)) is in heaven running around, playing and laughing. My bestie and I like to believe our angel babies - just a few months apart - are up there playing together, talking about how silly their mommies are. It is tough to think about not having them here on earth, but we do have the hope that we'll see them in heaven one day. And I like to believe that she's watching us and knows how much we love her, even though we never met or held her.

Oddly enough, I just finished reading Harry Potter... One thing that's stuck with me is a line Dumbledore says to Harry near the end, "Do not pity the dead, Harry, pity the living."

So far, each day is different. Some days are easy, happy days where I remember my baby, but don't feel intense pain. Some days are hard, sad days. I refuse to be stuck in sadness all the time. That's not what God wants for me. My baby is in heaven, happy, loved, and pain-free. It may be sad to not have her here, but she is not sad.

Source: intentionalbygrace.com via Intentional Homeschool on Pinterest

I do ask, though, that you pray for us and our family. Specifically, for peace and comfort. I think it's safe to say that all our worlds have been rocked. Even though this little one wasn't with us for long she was loved, wanted, and anticipated.

With so much going on right now, I may not be posting much. Just bear with me and keep us in your prayers. 

Reading Truth

A couple days ago, I stumbled upon a blog. I still don't even know how I found it. Does that ever happen to you? You're reading a blog, click on a link...then another...and another and suddenly you're on a page and can't remember how you got there? It's happened to me too many times to count in the almost 3 years I've been blogging. Anyway, I'm seriously glad I stumbled upon this blog.

The name of the blog - if you haven't caught it already - is She Reads Truth. Basically, it's a blog that gets women together to read (and discuss) the Bible. Awesome, right!?

Truth be told, I've been severely slacking on reading the Bible and doing any sort of devotional. And I can't even blame birthing a child for that because it went back further than that. I attempted a couple Bible studies/devotionals while I was pregnant, but couldn't stick with one. I've also tried starting reading plans and devotionals on my Bible app (YouVersion), but those haven't stuck either. I've even had the daily reading emailed to myself in an attempt to keep up, but obviously that hasn't worked either. I knew that I needed something but I guess I just hadn't found it yet.

When I found this blog, I knew almost immediately that I should start. I read a little bit about the blog and authors, and then I looked up their newest devotional/reading plan on YouVersion. I was sold! And if that wasn't enough, the online community keeps me wanting to read. They're on Twitter, Instagram, and (obviously) blog land.

I started the new plan just a few days ago and I can already tell a difference in myself. I'm wanting to read, wanting to research and wanting to grow in my faith. It's not a whole bunch of reading to do, which is really my main problem when it comes to reading plans and devotionals. If I have to read several passages I either try to fly through it (and don't get much out of it) or I get really bogged down and can't focus. With this, there's a little bit of scripture reading and a little bit of teaching, the rest (the soul-searching) is up to me.

A snippet of today's reading I posted to Instagram.

I feel like this is something that speaks to my everyday life, especially things I've been struggling with. The readings I've done so far have really encouraged me and helped me figure out what's really behind things I've been dealing with lately. 

I just wanted to share this with you guys - not because anyone asked me to, but because it's helping me and I thought it might help some of you too. Especially if you're like me and struggle to keep up with Bible readings.

Oh, and you don't have to have YouVersion's app to join in on the reading. You can find it online, too - just click here. =)