I Feel Kinda Crazy

I swear, almost everything irritates me lately. Something someone said in passing. Something I saw on FB. Something Joe did, but isn't unusual for him to do. Jasper's mere presence can send me into a frenzy if I let it. (I'm still not sure why.) I've even gotten slightly irritated at my bestie....which is just.....weird, and really sucky. 

My conclusion?

Pregnancy hormones make me crazy.

Unless you either lived close to me - or happened to be my bestie - while I was pregnant with Charlotte, you probably wouldn't know that Joe and I fought like crazy for at least the first trimester. At least. It was bizarre, to say the least. We pretty much always get along, even if we happen to disagree. So the fact that there were times when we actually yelled at each other was kinda scary. And because I was pregnant, there were also many, many tears involved. 

Fast forward to this pregnancy, and it's basically the same thing all over again. Although I think we were somewhat prepared for the crazy this time. It hasn't been nearly as bad. We've definitely argued - a couple times about some really ridiculous things - but not like it was with Charlotte. Thank goodness for that.

I've also come to the conclusion that I don't tolerate my mother well when I'm pregnant. She's a fairly irritating person when I'm not pregnant, so the hormones are not helping me there. She calls? I ignore it half the time. I respond to her texts an hour or more later. I just. can't. handle. it. Of course, when my phone log looks like this, I'm sure I'm not the only one who would ignore calls or delay responding:

My parents are planning on coming to visit in October, {who wants to take bets on whether or not they'll actually come?} and I am slightly terrified worried about what might happen. My grandparents want to come, too, which just adds to the stress. I mean....yeah, everyone come visit the girl who's 7-8 months pregnant and forget that it might actually stress her out! Good idea. I just can't believe my grandparents would even think about coming. They can't fly, and it's at least a 12 hour drive. Papa is on all kinds of meds, and oxygen. Nana fell and broke her pelvis in June. Yep, a 12 hour ride sounds like a fantastic idea! Ya'll better be saying some prayers for me if everyone comes to visit me this fall. {With the exception of my brother, who has no vacay time.}

Thankfully, the only one who hasn't irritated me {outside of anything normal} so far this pregnancy is Charlotte. Focusing on her is usually how I handle the crazy, so that's nice. LOL! And since I have officially entered the nesting phase of pregnancy, {woohoo!!!!} maybe I can start channeling the crazy into cleaning, organizing, and decorating. Lord knows this house needs it after me being a bum for most of the last 2 months. {The 1st trimester really kicks my butt. We're all lucky we survived, and had clean clothes.}

Anyone else feel like a lunatic during pregnancy? Please tell me I'm not alone!

Pausing for Heart Talk

I can't decide if I really want to post this, but I do need to get it out. So here I am. Taking a break from my 31 Days of Breastfeeding series to talk about my "stuff." My family junk that has me so...frustrated, sick to my stomach, and a little bit heart broken.

Source: 123rf.com via Sarah on Pinterest

A while back, Joe's parents offered to get us to NC for Christmas this year. I was more on the cautious, unsure side about doing this. {I mean, hello, flying with an 8/9 month old across and ocean and continent....!} Joe, of course, was over the moon and chomping at the bit. Obviously moms and dads have different opinions on flying/traveling with a baby. Haha. Anyway. One of my concerns was not being able to go see my family. Even though we've done it for the last 4 years, I knew not being able to go this year would impact them. Mainly because of Charlotte. {I'm well aware that I am chopped liver compared to her.} I dreaded telling them we were going because I knew it would not be easy for them to hear or understand.

Once the tickets were bought last week (ish), I couldn't hide it anymore. In fact, hiding the knowledge that we were going to get tickets and go was torture. I almost "spilled the beans" several times on accident. So I called my mom. Actually, before that I typed out everything I wanted to say so that I'd actually say it. I'm notorious for not remembering what I wanted to say during a discussion. It really, really sucks and having a baby did not help that at all. Anyway. What was I saying? Oh yes. The family. I called Mom and told her, while reading my script. It actually went a whole heck of a lot better than I thought it was. She didn't seem to be upset and she definitely didn't react the way I had foreseen. Even though it went better than I thought, I still had reservations. I had this sinking feeling that she wasn't being totally honest with me. 

Source: Uploaded by user via Sarah on Pinterest

Then came time to tell my grandparents. Initially Mom said she wanted to tell them. I was only kind of okay with that... Then the next morning, Mom texts me saying she doesn't want to tell them. Papa isn't in great health and she thought it would make him worse. And it would upset Nana. Even though that might be the truth, I wasn't okay with lying to them. Because God knows I'd let it slip in conversation or Mom would and then that would just be bad for all parties involved. So then Mom tells me to take a few days and think and pray about it. (As if a few days is going to make lying the correct solution...or make God tell me lying is the answer. HA!) And before I can tell her my plan of "attack" the next day...I get a text message saying, "I told Nana and Papa. They're upset and hurt. You might want to give them a few days before you call them."

Naturally, I was pissed. I mean, who wouldn't be?! So I told her it wasn't fair that she went ahead and did it because Joe and I had made a different decision. I didn't exactly say it like that, but it was along those lines. Anyway, she never really answered me.

Then Saturday, I called my grandparents to check in, fully expecting to give them an explanation on why we're going to NC and won't be able to see them, even though we really want to. I got something totally different. Apparently, my Mom has drug my 80something grandparents into the drama she and my (step)dad have created. Although Nana did attempt to put it in a somewhat nice manner, I was basically told that:

My mom thinks I don't love her.

They all think that Joe is manipulating me.

Because I say "Joe and I decided ___" I don't have a mind of my own.

I need to stand up to my husband. {Haven't figured out why they think I have a reason/need to.}

I should've stood up for Mom when she was here in June, instead of standing by my husband when I actually agreed with him. {Someone PLEASE tell me how that would've been great for my marriage.}

They're all upset because I don't want to live near them (but in NC) whenever Joe gets out of the Army.

I need to make things right with my parents. {Because they don't have ANYTHING to apologize for.}

Here's the biggest problem: Joe and I decided to move to NC when we got married. Mostly because he wanted to, and partially because I wanted to. I made the decision to live where he wanted to. Plus, I really wanted to get the heck out of my hometown. Like really. And then they pushed and pushed and pushed me, telling me how awful I was for leaving my family and that {sorry} my MIL was manipulating everyone into moving back to NC because that's where her family lives. By the time our wedding day rolled around, {after my (step)dad offered me $2000 to elope and get the F out of his house} I was beyond ready to leave. And the hardest part for them is that I grew to really like Joe's family. One of his sisters (Anna) is one of my closest friends and having her as family is a total bonus. I get along with all of them really well. 

Another problem: they don't agree with or understand our decisions. They don't really try to understand either. What they don't understand, they criticize, beat down and attempt to destroy. This results in them trying to force their advice/opinions on me. My (step)dad actually asked me a few weeks ago if I was going to get a job when we move to GA in the spring. I was completely baffled. I have chosen to be a SAHM because I want to raise my babies. I want to teach them. I want to be here for them. That doesn't change because we PCS. It doesn't change because the job market is potentially better in GA. Nothing changes my desire and my calling from God to stay home with Charlotte, or future babies. His response was that I need to make money - put money into Social Security (please tell me I'm not the only one who thinks that's beyond ridiculous!) and retirement. I'm sorry (actually, I'm not), but I'd much rather be home with my child(ren) and do what God wants me to do rather than put money into something that might not be there in the future. It's called investing in my family.

What hurts me the most is that they just beat me down every chance they get. Everything is my fault. I moved away. I chose to stay away. I choose to stay home with my child(ren). I fell in love with my husband's family. {I guess they want me to hate them?} I like to spend time with my husband's family. So naturally, I don't love my family anymore. I don't understand how they can twist everything into being something I did wrong. How do they not realize that by saying all of these things they're hurting me? I guess I shouldn't be so surprised... Things have been like this for a very long time now. It's hard because they're my parents. They should be able to love and support me even when they don't understand the decisions Joe and I have made for our family. But they don't. Or they won't. At this point, I'm honestly not sure which. It makes me glad that I have the support of Joe's parents and family, but also sad...because that's how it should be. 

Source: via Sarah on Pinterest

If you made it to the end of this post, serious kudos. I wish had something fantastic to giveaway. =P I'm just very upset...and this is my place. My home. My little space where I can come and talk about what really matters to me. And this? This is where my heart is today. Hope you don't mind me sharing all my family drama. 

I'd really, really appreciate your prayers. God's working so much in my heart and life right now. I really think this could be just another one of the enemy's ploys to get me to stray from God and the good things He's doing. Prayers appreciated. Advice welcome. Hugs needed.

Family Matters

Tuesday I spoke to my father for the first time in 8 years. We've been emailing for a couple years, recently exchanged phone numbers, but we still hadn't spoken...not really.

You see, my biological parents divorced when I was a baby. Too young to even remember a time when they were married. I was born in England - my father was in the USAF - and my mom left him around 8 months after I was born. I won't get into the "why" of that because 1) I don't feel comfortable sharing it and 2) I don't know the whole story anyway. Mom left, we flew back to the States and moved in with my grandparents. There was a nasty custody battle, which my mom eventually won. We lived with my grandparents for about 2 years, until my mom married my stepdad - who eventually became "dad."

My father only saw me once, maybe twice a year. Mostly because of the custody thing, but probably more so due to the fact that he was in the military. (Something I never understood until very recently...) Every time he would visit, I always got anxious. I mean, I didn't live with this guy... I barely knew him and yet I was expected to talk to him?! As an introvert (which was far worse when I was a child), this was extremely hard. I read something in a parenting book a few days ago that said, basically, your child gets their cues on how to act from you. They don't understand new situations, so they look to you for how they should feel. With this knowledge, I feel certain saying that since my mom was uncomfortable in this situation (as was my stepdad) it makes sense that I would feel this way.

As I got older, sometimes my mom would tell me stories about him. Not really any good stories, either. Actually, I'm not sure I can tell you one nice thing she's ever said about him, unless you count, "He can be nice when he wants to be." And sometimes, when I'd do something that he did, she'd always get onto me and tell me she hated that because Rick did it. I can't tell you how many times I tapped my fingers on a table, desk or computer and got yelled at for it. As all redheads do, my father has a temper. He was never good at controlling it and I've always had a difficult time with it. On several of those "difficult times," I heard my mother tell me I was just like my father. She never meant it in a good way; she meant it to hurt me. And it did. Why would I want to be like someone she clearly hated? Still, I couldn't help that I acted like him. I'd never known him at all...it wasn't my fault. Sometimes I understood this, but more often than not I'd walk away wondering what I'd done wrong.

I grew up hearing about things my father did or said while my parents were married. They were married 3 years, and had divorced long before I became "aware" of anything. All my knowledge of him came from her and what little interaction we had while he was in town.

My freshman year of high school, I emailed him some without my mother's knowledge. I was taking a computer course and accessed my email account there. I can't even remember why I started doing it, but I'm sure it was because I felt like I wanted to know him. After that year, the emails slowed down a lot. I hardly ever talked to him. By my senior year, I might have emailed him a few more times. The last time I emailed him I had asked for money to paint my severely beaten up car. He suggested we "barter for it." That sounded sorta fishy to me, so I did what any teenager does - I asked my mom about it. Of course, she told me not to respond because she was worried what that meant. I can still understand it to a certain degree. 

He didn't come to my high school graduation because I didn't want him there. I didn't want him there because all the information I had on him was from my mom, who said he wasn't a good person. My mom sent the invitation the day of the ceremony so he'd know about it, just not in time. A couple months later, he came to visit at my parents' house. He'd wanted to meet in town, but because I didn't know him I wasn't comfortable with it. He stayed for a very awkward 2 hours, told me to let him know if I needed anything and then left.

That was the last time I saw him. I was 18 years old.

Fast forward to 2 years ago.

He had apparently lost my email address and emailed my mom. I can't remember exactly what the email said, but the idea was that he wanted to talk to me, to get to know me. And to apologize for not really being there, especially after I turned 18. A few months before this, I had been thinking about emailing him or sending a letter or something. He'd been in the same place for a while, so I did have his address. And apparently his email address never changed (unlike me...I've had at least 5 different ones). Anyway, when I got this email I knew it was time.

I'll admit that it's been difficult at times. At first I was a little irritated and upset. Why wait so long to talk to me? But the more we emailed, the more I realized that I'd only heard one side of the story. One side for over 20 years. I've heard my mom tell her side, but I'd never heard his. How he came home from 24 hr duty to an empty house. Despite all the troubles they had, I can't imagine how that felt. How it felt for him to hear me call someone else "dad" after Mom remarried. How it felt knowing he couldn't be there... 

Over the emails and facebook messages, we've mostly gotten to know each other. It's been awkward at times, but I'm sure it's worth it. Oddly enough, it's been easier since Charlotte was born. Everybody wants to talk about the baby and, as her proud mommy, I'm happy to do so! And yesterday, I decided it might just be time to talk to him. So, we used Skype to talk for the first time since I was 18. It was a little awkward, but I think that's to be expected. He got to see Charlotte and he met Joe, too. It was a really nice chat, overall. I'm glad we finally had the opportunity.

Since then I've been thinking about a lot of things related to our relationship. It's frustrating to hear one side for so long and then hear the other, which isn't 100% different...but it's the other side. And, so far, he's nothing like my mother described. Although, that was 20something years ago and they were married. He's my father. Our relationship is obviously different. I think so much time has passed that those things shouldn't really matter anymore. Anything he did, he didn't do directly to me. They either happened to my mom or just plain happened. I had little to do with it.

I think what frustrates me most is knowing that I missed out on something. I didn't invite him to any graduations (high school or college) and I didn't invite him to my wedding. {Although, honestly, it would have been way awkward.} I don't call him "dad" because he was never really around. And I'm fairly certain he's an introvert too, which doesn't exactly help in the talking-to-people department. I just... I never really got the chance to know my father. Not the guy who married my mom, although he is an important part of my life, but the guy without whom I literally wouldn't be here. The one guy who's biologically engineered to love me. I don't even have any pictures of us...well, except for the ones he sent me via email. And I was a teeny, tiny little baby in those. 

That's it. That's all I have. It just...it just sucks. There's really no other way to put it.

Did I have a good childhood? Yes. Did I have a father figure in my life, who I came to call "dad?" Yes. Is it the same as having your own father in your life? Absolutely not. I always felt sort of...different. My brother looks a lot like my dad. Aside from hair color, I look like my mom. But I always sort of stuck out like a sore thumb. Or at least I felt that way. Red hair, blue eyes, pasty white skin, glasses, contacts, nose stuck in a book, quiet, to myself kind of person. My [step]dad has black hair and green eyes, Mom has brownish blonde hair and green eyes, my brother has brown hair and brown eyes. And there's me. A lot of people my brother and I went to school with didn't even know we were related until we told them. Allow me to remind you that I graduated with 37 people. That's how you know it's bad.

I've totally gotten off on a tangent here. The point is this: God totally gets the credit for healing this relationship. It's amazing to me that we're on a speaking basis after so long, and after so many years of me hearing bad things about him. It's also amazing how I feel about all this. I never imagined that I'd want to know him, let alone that I'd feel sad about all the years and things we missed out on. I'll never know what that was like. But I'm glad we're here. I can only hope that things will continue to get better, and thank God along the way.

P.S. Thanks to everyone who participated in the Wednesday Walkabout yesterday!! =D It was a hit! Can't wait for next week! (And maybe I'll get the link to work on time, too.)

Realizations

I called my dad yesterday. During blow-out with my mom a couple weeks ago, things about my dad's feelings were revealed... To be honest, I'm not really sure why I called him. I didn't feel ready to talk to him about...things, but for some reason I did anyway. I know now that God was telling me to call him. I couldn't have survived that phone call any other way.

I sort of called with the agenda of checking on my mom - she had knee surgery yesterday. But of course, Dad took the opportunity to fill in all the blanks Mom left during our, um, chat. Some of his complaints are understandable, while the rest are just ridiculous and bizarre. 

To start off, he's still upset that we moved to NC right after we got married. It was always Joe's goal/dream to move back after graduating college, and he told me this when we were talking about getting married. At first I completely balked at the idea. Leave my family, my home, everything I've known for the last 20 years?! But after a while, the idea grew on me and I realized that I really did want to get away from the place I grew up. I needed something different. Anyway, I never really communicated that to my family which I guess was - and is - my fault. So they basically see the situation as Joe wanted to move to NC and I went with him because I wanted to be with him, not because I actually wanted to. Dad's actual words were, "he said he was moving to NC and you could come or not." Not exactly the case, but I suppose I can see where they came up with that.

And now, because we moved to NC and I actually like spending time with my in-laws, I have "abandoned" my family. We spend more time with his family, supposedly, and we like them better. Oh, and here's a ridiculous, very 12 year old, complaint: I don't post hardly any pictures of MY family on FB. Seriously, y'all, I can't make this stuff up. He actually said that. And, yeah, it's true. But my family hates to take pictures. It's like pulling teeth. Rest assured that the next time I'll be annoying them with my camera and posting all the bad photos on FB. Just for spite.

The rest of the things he said were really meant to push my buttons. Basically, I'm not the person I used to be. I guess they think people can't/shouldn't change? He thinks that I started changing when I started hanging out with my bestie my senior year of high school/freshmen year of college. Well, maybe the two are just coincidental. Generally speaking, people start changing when they get into college and are introduced to different people and different ways of thinking. But since he never went to college and can't understand that, he's willing to place the blame on my change in personality/thinking on a person I became close friends with. 

He even went so far as to tell me that I have none of my own thoughts because I've changed so much. That because I am a SAHM and want to homeschool my kids, I'm trying to be like my husband's family. "Because Sarah never wanted to do those things." And he's right, I didn't. I never had any desire to be a SAHM before I was married. I planned to send my kids to public school before I got pregnant. But people change. More accurately, God changed MY HEART. My dad won't respond well to me saying such things, so I can't tell him that God revealed to me when I was pregnant that I should teach my children, not someone else. I can't tell him that God changed my heart about staying home with my babies. I can't tell him because I'm not sure he'd understand. And because he can't understand, he says things like I wasted 4 years in college. That I should've gotten married at 18 and not gone to college if I "just wanted to be a barefoot and pregnant housewife." Those were his actual words. 

It wasn't until I was talking to Joe later, that I realized something. My parents want me to be something I'm not. They want me to be exactly like them. They're not bad people, they're just not who I want to be. I can't be like them. I can't go to church and act one way, then come home (or go to work) and act another. I can't talk to people they way they talk to me. (Although it is tempting to talk the same way to them.) I can't take their advice on most things, because the way they live isn't how Joe and I want to live. We don't agree on a lot of things - money, church, homeschooling, careers, you name it. I'm sure they're disappointed. There's nothing wrong with being like/wanting to be like my in-laws. They're just different than my family. Honestly, they're easier to be around and not just because I don't have to field 90 million questions about why I'm not doing things their way. They respect our decisions (or at least they appear to ;-)) and they offer us sound advice.

All I can say is that I know God was behind that conversation. I know things were aired that needed to be and, thankfully, Dad was pretty calm and respectful... Well, other than those things about me just being a barefoot and pregnant housewife. The real miracle is that I was able to pretty much let things slide. I barely got agitated, which is rare when Dad and I have a heated discussion. I barely got a word in, which is very normal and also why I can't even try correct his incorrect assumptions, but at least he got out what he needed to say.

So I'm not sure I can do anything to resolve this situation with my parents. I can't convince them of, well, anything. I can't apologize for things I didn't do wrong. I did tell him a couple times that I was sorry he felt that way, and I think that's all I can really do. I can't apologize for wanting to spend time with pleasant people. I can't apologize for changing when that change is from God and for the best. My MIL emailed me a few days ago about all this and said there are some people with whom you just can't make things right. I have a feeling my parents are these people. 

I don't really know where we go from here, but here is where we are. When I really think about the relationship I have with my parents, it makes me a little sad. It also makes me envious of people who have fantastic relationships with their parents. This morning I read a post by someone who has a great relationship with her dad. It was his birthday and she wrote some beautiful things she learned from him.  Things I wish I could say I learned from my dad...about God and life as a Christian. Sure, my parents took me to church, but I don't remember ever having very in-depth discussions about following and living in God's will. It hurts my heart to think about all the opportunities we missed (and still are missing, I suppose) to share our faith. My grandparents and I share this, but not my parents. I don't understand why, but that's the way it is.

Anyway. Nothing has been solved and I'm not sure it will ever be solved. Maybe it's not supposed to be. All I know is that I'm going to keep living the way I am and I can't apologize for it.

Save the Drama for Your Mama

Or in my case, Leave the Drama to Your Mama.


It's been a while since I mentioned my mom coming to visit. She was here for 4 days last week. Yup, 4. And somehow during that short time, she managed to push all my buttons and things in our already-tense relationship just exploded.

For a few weeks before she flew out here, she told me of some things she wanted to do while she was visiting. Things like going to the beach, Pearl Harbor and a couple other touristy things. These things are not bad, but in fact expected when anyone comes to Hawaii. However, she was not just coming to Hawaii. She was {supposedly} coming to see Charlotte and I and spend time with us. About a week ago, she informed me that she wasn't going to be able to rent a car when she was visiting because she didn't have the money - even though my dad just bought her a brand spankin' new car and a Vegas trip after she left Hawaii. She asked if we would have the money to rent a car and I flat-out told her no. So the result was that we'd have to do things while Joe was home in the mornings {remember the silly swing shift he's on? PT at 1430, work from 1730-0130}.

I had hoped that once she got here, she'd realize that getting Charlotte out and about was/is difficult and she'd want to just hang out at home with us. Well, I really shouldn't have gotten my hopes up. It turns out, she came to see Hawaii and then she wanted to spend time with us. Every day she was here it was, "I want to do x, y, and z. Do you think we'll be able to go see 'y' today? I really want to see 'y'. Can we do 'z' too? You only get to see Hawaii once!"

By Tuesday night (she arrived on Sunday), I about had all I could take. Joe lovingly stepped in for me during one of her "Can we see 'x' tomorrow?" rants and told her we could if it fit into our schedule. He had to go back in for a PT test the next morning, and the day before there was some sort of change of command ceremony we didn't hear about until the night before. You know how it is with the military, things change daily and sometimes hourly. Anyway. Apparently, this upset her because when I came back in the living room after getting Charlotte, Mom was outside all upset.

She came back in after about 10 minutes or so and started in on how she just wanted to see Hawaii. I told her - in a very nice, calm manner - that I would really just rather she want to stay home and hang out with us. {Because, really, that's when Charlotte is the happiest.} I told her I understood her want/need to see the island, but it's just hard for me because all I do is worry about Charlotte when we're out - is she hungry/sleepy/wet/dirty/why won't she eat?! After several minutes of us going back and forth - and her expressing concerns about Joe's feelings toward her - she went back outside. I asked Joe to go out and talk to her {he'd been in our room, trying to sleep} because I was in the middle of feeding Charlotte.

I don't know what was said out there, but Mom came back inside all fired up. It was unbelievably awful. If you follow me on Twitter, you might have caught a couple of my tweets from that night. We argued about everything from why she came to visit {and why my dad didn't} to things that happened before Joe and I were even married. I was accused of not loving my family, abandoning them when I got married, and basically being a bad daughter. Oh, and I'm pretty sure she resents the fact that I'm so close to my in-laws. I'm guessing she wanted me to not like them so much? I don't know. Nothing was really resolved that night... I gave up trying to talk to her around midnight. I was exhausted mentally and physically and I knew that Charlotte would be up in 5 or 6 hours.

When Charlotte woke up around 6:00, Mom was sort of up but didn't really say much to me. I went back to bed right after I fed her because I was so tired. Joe had gotten up at 5:00 for his PT test, so he was long gone. And when I got up for the day around 8:00, Mom had left a note saying she went for a walk. She came back a few minutes into Charlotte's feeding and I was honestly expecting some sort of talk about the previous night. Instead, I got the exact opposite. She acted like nothing had happened. She was overly chipper and talked about how great her walk was... It was bizarre. And not a word was mentioned about it for the rest of her stay. None. What. So. Ever.

I feel so confused and a tad bit guilty for everything blowing up while she was here. And also that we weren't able to do much in the way of tourism. But then I realize that she had 2 years to come here and play the tourist. When Joe was deployed, my parents took a trip to Vegas. I mentioned a few times that it wouldn't be that much more costly for them to come visit me. Hawaii is only a 6 hour plane ride from Vegas. I know, I've done it. I would've loved for them to be here while I was going through deployment. It would've been nice to have company. But, no, they didn't come. And I also realize that most family members would have 1) stayed for more than 4 days and 2) realized that we just can't pick up everything at the drop of a hat and do everything we/they want to do.

So now I just don't know what to do. Do I push the issue and try to solve things? Do I do as my parents are clearly doing and ignore it? I love my family, but sometimes I honestly wonder if I should even bother. I feel drained emotionally and spiritually. I'm searching for the answers only God can give, but I haven't found any yet. So if you've made it this far please say some many prayers for Joe and I. We so need it. The only way I'm getting through this is prayer, talking to my sweet hubby and watching my sweet little girl laugh and smile.

I love Instagram. =)

Ah, the Holidays...

You know, I really enjoy the Christmas season. Not just the getting gifts for people {which we're seriously cutting back on this year} but just the general joy of the season. The decorating, the lights, Christmas carols sung at church, spending time with family and friends... That sort of thing.

But do you know what I don't enjoy? All the stress that inevitably comes with visiting my family. And let me be clear, when I say "my family" I mean my side of the family. Generally, visiting Joe's side of the family is hectic but enjoyable. Visiting my family, making plans with them, and dealing with them is incredibly stressful. They're my family no matter what and I do love them {no matter how crazy they drive me}, so if I can I go visit. 

Source: google.com via Sarah on Pinterest

I'm sure you remember the post where I talked about the drama with my mom. Sadly, the drama there has hardly let up. It's just taken a different turn now. Instead of complaining/whining to me about who's coming  {and when} once Charlotte arrives, she now berates me with things I need to do when traveling. Nevermind that my doctor says flying is fine. We are planning to drive from NC to AR with Joe's parents a few days after Christmas. It's a long drive, but we're taking it in 2 days. I haven't cleared it with my doctor yet, but I don't see any problems with this. She does. 

Joe put in for leave a while back and asked for 3 weeks, this way we could go to AR to see his brother {who can't come to NC} and to see my family. A win-win situation for everyone involved. I waited a while to tell my mom because I wanted to make sure that we would actually be coming. Well, one day I decided I'd tell her early. Mostly because she kept talking about mailing our presents and I didn't want her to mail them if we'd be coming. So, I told her the situation...that we might be coming if Joe's leave got approved. I was giving her a heads up...being nice, right? Apparently she didn't think so.

I gave her the tentative travel dates and all the info I could. I kind of expected her to be excited. Instead I was met with: "Well, I go back to work on the 2nd." When I told her that I had a feeling and that we'd be staying with Joe's parents {not just because I know my mom will be back at work}, she says, "Well, why even come, then?"

Knife. In. My. Heart. Then she lays on the "I don't want you to travel so much...it's not good for the baby" guilt crap. Personally, I don't see the problem with me riding in a car... How's it different from flying? Since then, we've had basically the same conversation. Except now she throws in "this nurse I talked to said you need to do this. Did you know that?!" kind of things. It's incredibly irritating. She's also said how she's just worried about me. I told her that it's not her job to worry about me all the time. She disagrees because that's what she's always done. Nevermind that little verse from Matthew 6 that says "DON'T WORRY." 

I don't fully  understand all of the issues she has with me traveling, staying with someone else and generally following my own rules. But after praying, talking to Melissa about it, and hearing a great sermon today at church... I think I've got a few things figured out:

1. My mom either has control issues or boundary issues. Possibly both. 
2. She still thinks I'm "her little girl."
3. She can't see me as an adult.
4. She clearly doesn't fully trust God. {I struggle with that too, but the difference is I realize I struggle with it.}

So basically, I have a lot of praying to do. I also potentially have a hard conversation ahead of me, because I can't keep dealing with this. I can't keep cringing whenever she calls... I can't keep being on edge when I talk to her. I can't keep getting upset every time I talk to her. It's not good for anyone involved and I don't think either one of our behavior is honoring God. {That's where today's sermon comes in.}

Somehow, she needs to realize that I'm not 5 years old anymore, that I'm a married woman {with a baby on the way!}, and that she cannot control my life or what happens to me. More importantly, she needs to realize that I'm trusting God to take care of me, my husband {he did just come home from Iraq, didn't he?!} and this little girl in my belly. And I obviously wouldn't do anything that I know would hurt Charlotte. She also needs to realize that there are certain boundaries in life... I need to learn how to set them, though. I'm very seriously considering buying the book, Boundaries. My pastor in NC recommended it a long time ago and I think it could come in handy now. 

All that said, I have a feeling the holidays with my family are going to be very interesting....and possibly very difficult. I'm really looking forward to getting to see all of my family, but I don't look forward to dealing with all the drama. Say a prayer for me? Pretty please?!

How are holidays with your family? Blissfully drama-free or woefully drama-filled? =P

P.S. Just 2 more days to enter the MyMemories giveaway! Only a few people {literally} have entered, so you have a great chance! Don't miss out!

Drama, Drama, Drama...

What better way to celebrate my 500th post than with a little bit of good 'ole fashioned drama?!

I don't normally air "dirty laundry" on the blog, but this is something I just need to get out for my own mental well-being. And hopefully a few of you will have some good, helpful advice for me too!

As when most people do, once I found out I was pregnant {and told the family} the planning began. Planning for decorations, clothes, and when people are coming to visit. My mom is a paraprofessional at an elementary school and since the baby is coming during the school calendar, it isn't really possible for her to come. As some of you know, teachers don't get vacation days and they only get a few sick days a year. So my parents plan to come in June, after the school year is well over. After learning this, my MIL graciously offered to come right after the baby is born to help out. I was over the moon excited because I know I will be needing some help! I'm no newbie when it comes to babies, but I hear it's a little different when they're your own. ;-) Obviously, I accepted her offer.

I was a bit nervous about telling my mom the news, but I prayed she'd understand. When I told her, the conversation went very well. I know she was a little sad she couldn't make it, but I assured her it'd be fine. I didn't want to be upset when there was nothing I could really do about it anyway. I guess this is one of the things I've learned being a milspouse. There are just some things you can't control and being upset about it doesn't do anyone any good. So, anyway, I thought that was the end of discussion about who was coming when.

Until a couple days ago. Mom texted me asking how long Joe's mom would be here and when his dad would come. I didn't really think much of it {other than that it was a little odd} and told her that my MIL will be here for 2 weeks and my FIL will come for probably a week in there somewhere. I got little response and it didn't cross my mind again. Until yesterday morning. I got the joy of waking up to a text that went something like this:

I'm upset because you said you wanted your MIL to come care for you when the baby's born... Sometimes I feel like you left your family behind when you got married...


There was a bit more to it, but that's the gist of it. I automatically locked my phone and didn't think much about it. Or tried not to. When Joe got back from PT, I showed it to him to see what he thought. Since I wasn't feeling well, he offered to call her and tell her that the way she was feeling wasn't necessarily what was true. Sadly, his conversation with her didn't go so well. I suppose I can understand why, but I think she should know {at least by now} that he knows how I feel and what I think just as well as I do. Anyway, after she talked to him she texted me... Even though I learned later that Joe had said he'd talk to me when he got home and then I'd call her if I was feeling well. That alone irritated me. We talked when he finally got home and I called her because I basically wanted to be done with this issue. It'd been bothering me all day... I was upset and worried and...everything I should not be right now.

So I called. Joe says it went better than his conversation with her, but I'm not so sure. I told her that, no, I did not accept my MIL's offer to come after the baby was born until after I knew that she wouldn't be able to. She apparently doesn't believe this but then said that she wanted me to know that she'd come if I begged asked her to come. That she'd "make it happen" even though it'd be difficult. After going round and round with this for about 5 minutes, I realized that she wanted me to beg her to come. She wants me to be upset that she can't come. Basically? She's making this all about her.

To be honest, I don't really care who comes after Baby gets here. The one person that I'd be very, truly upset if they weren't here is Joe. And he'll be here, so I'm fine. Will it be easier if my mom or MIL were here to help me afterward? Absolutely! But I'm not going to beg anyone to come help me, and I'm certainly not going to put anyone in a difficult financial situation. Nor will I be upset about something I can't control. So, I can't tell her what she wants to hear. I can't validate her... And I honestly don't think it's right for her to put me in that position.

I don't know what to do now. She ended the conversation before I could try to make her really see my point of view. Which, I guess is relatively normal when we have arguments/disagreements. All she wanted out of that conversation was to make me say something and when I didn't do it, she was done. I want to have a good relationship with my mom {and my family}, but I can't be responsible for validating her feelings. I won't apologize for the way I feel.

I didn't even touch on the "I feel like you left your family behind" portion, because that's just blowing all this up. You guys know that when I got married I moved to NC with Joe. I did it because - wait for it - I wanted to. I always wanted to move after I graduated college. Sure, Joe put NC in my brain, but I was okay with it. My family, however, wasn't {and apparently still isn't} okay with me moving. Why? Mainly because that's the central location of Joe's family. Nevermind that we'd have someone close by to help us out if we needed it, they stayed focused on the sole fact that his family would be there.

She says things like this without recognizing the fact that she and Dad have never, ever come to visit us. Not one single time. I'd bet a million dollars {that I obviously don't have} that the only reason they're coming next summer is because of Baby. Yup. I said it. It's Joe's parents that have made an effort to come see us, no matter where we lived. Meanwhile, my parents travel to Vegas every year and don't come to see me. Now you see why I didn't bother bringing that up.

I don't know what to do. I prayed about it all day yesterday and I do feel a certain peace...if only that it's okay for me to feel and think the way I do. I don't know how to make this better. I've always been at odds with my parents over the years, but I thought I was done with all this. I suppose the better part about it now is that I don't live in the same house and I live far enough away to let it be for a while before really needing to hash it all out.

Just say a prayer for me so that I'll be able to figure this all out. I do not need this right now. I should be happy and only thinking about the happy future of my little family. Instead, I have my mom creating issues that shouldn't even be there. And if you have any advice, I'll take it! I'm at a loss.

Oh, and today's the last day to cast your gender vote! My ultrasound is tomorrow! Eeeek! =D

Stupid Brain

I had these thoughts of a great post for today. I really, really did. Aaaaaaaaaand they're gone now. *sigh* I honestly can't even remember what profound things I was going to say! Cannot! Sad, sad day.

Today was a seriously weird day for me. I was all happy and fine... I talked to Joe (with good video quality and only one interruption) this morning for a while. Not very long, though. He's sick and was sleepy and so I let him go to bed. I seriously cried afterward, though. Stupid hormones!!! On a normal day, I would have been fine - understanding, even. Not today.

I made some muffins for breakfast...and remembered why blueberry muffins are my favorite, not apple cinnamon. I thought I remembered liking apple cinnamon muffins, but apparently I was wrong. I don't hate them, but they are definitely not my faves. Anyway. I lounged on the couch, chatted with Melissa and ignored texts from my mom about stupid family drama.

I swear, sometimes my family can be SO white trash-y. I don't want to get into serious details, but... My great uncle died a few days ago. It was expected, but my Nana (his sister) is really upset. Obviously his wife and daughter are too. Well... The obituary apparently wasn't "up to par" according to my other great uncle. Someone was added who shouldn't have been and someone was left out. Seriously, people? It's an obituary. No one writes those without some sort of mental issues. Mistakes happen. Anyway. He's so angry about it that he's threatening to tell people that this guy's daughter isn't really his and that so-and-so's fiance is a hooker. Neither are really surprising, but.... come on! I talked to my uncle (mom's brother) on the phone earlier (he's staying with my mom) and he said he can't "wait to go to the circus tomorrow." Yup. That sounds about right! *sigh* He also said, "this is why I live far away. I don't have to deal with the drama." AMEN to that!

Just to add to the weirdness of the day, I was super irritable while I was at the museum today. I swear, every. little. thing. was annoying me. I even froze the computer. *sigh* It must be about "that time." I dislike Aunt Flo more and more every month. =/ I got to talk to Joe AGAIN this evening! It's his day off. Woohoo!! =D I feel all special and stuff 'cause I got to talk to him infinitely more than usual. I thought I wasn't going to get to talk to him because of the FRG meeting tonight, but I got a nice surprise when I saw him online. Yay!

Oh, the FRG meeting. First, I got an email that said someone suggested we wear holiday colors and santa hats during the meeting since the meeting was solely for stuffing stockings. 1) I'm not an elf. 2) I'm not in high school. 3) Seriously? Anyway. So, the stocking stuffing? Not cool. Tiny stockings, lots of candy. =/ I expected something different... Like things the guys (and gals) actually need and then maybe a little candy. I know they will appreciate anything they get, but to me it felt like we were giving them leftover Halloween candy. Oh, and they're being mailed tomorrow. *shakes head* I don't understand!!!!!!!!!! It was not my project, so I can't really say anything. It wasn't even our FRG project - it was the battalion FRG project. I don't know. I just found it odd that we weren't sending anything useful or "cool" to them.  Geez, how about some chapstick, deodorant, body wash, razors, hand sanitizer (all travel size) and then some candy? That's a stocking I'd like to get. But, that's me. I'm practical like that. *sigh*

I don't think I realized until tonight how smallllll Joe's company is. Like super small. More guys in his company are single, than married. Which leaves like 10ish women to do the FRG. I think that explains our current situation with the FRG. Since our company is so small, I kinda feel better about taking the co-Leader position. I know it will still be work, but less people to worry about = less work in my mind. Maybe I'm wrong. While I'm on the FRG topic, I need ideas for fundraisers... Any suggestions?

Sorry to bore you with the incredibly interesting details of my day. Maybe those profound words will find me again tomorrow. I'll write them down next time, I promise. =)

I Hit a Wall (Metaphorically Speaking)

Most of my day was great. I got up, Skyped with my bestie again (thank God for summer break!), had breakfast and got a text from my husband! This is what he said:

I know it's going to cost, but I wanted to say we made it safe...last night, trained all day today, more tomorrow. I'll try to get a calling card...tomorrow [i]f I get time. I love you so much, and miss you too:*

Isn't he just the sweetest?! =D I honestly don't care that it's going to make our bill go up this month. I'm sure it's going to hurt, but knowing he's ok is so much more important. {The ellipses are info I felt needed to be left out.}

I managed to clean off the desk in the living room, rearrange my bookshelf a bit, and unpacked some in the office/craft room/spare bedroom. I was looking for Joe's SD card reader, but I couldn't find it. I opened at least 4 boxes - probably more - and it was nowhere to be found. I was not happy with the way we had the furniture set up in there, so I took it upon myself to move it. Maybe not the best idea... I moved boxes out of the way, put a couple things in the hallway, and I was on my way. I moved our ginormous TV off the desk and onto the dresser we moved in there. I did not pick the thing up. Oh no. I moved the dresser up next to the desk and slid that sucker over. =) I was proud of myself. I moved the desk over where I wanted it to be, and then I took on the big undertaking - the file cabinet. The movers felt it appropriate not to unpack the things we had in there, so it weighs a ton. I thought it was smart to push the thing from the back...with the drawers unlocked. Oh yeah, that was smart. All of the drawers came open and the cabinet tipped forward with little 'ole me behind it, trying to keep it from tipping completely over. Somehow - by the grace of God, I'm sure - I was able to get one of the drawers shut and then the rest of them. Whew!

It took me forever to move the thing a total of 10 feet. I'm pretty sure I'm going to be regretting that tomorrow. But, hey, at least the room is set up the way I want it now. =) I just have to figure out what to do with night stand #2... I'm thinking of painting it some sort of light blue color and moving it to the living room to use as an end table. We have no end tables to speak of in this house. At one end, we have Joe's "toy chest" and a piano bench. {I'll never know how we ended up with a bench and no piano...} So, what do you think? Can I turn my night stand into a cute end table?

After my very productive afternoon, I finally showered and sat down to relax. Then my dad called. If you knew my dad, you'd know how weird it was to see "Dad" on my caller ID. He proceeded to give me some bad news about Papa. {I'm thinking that Mom was either upset or too busy to call.} Today they did an angiogram on Papa. The test showed that his aneurysm had been there for so long that it had actually begun to clot on the tail end. I think that Mom had told me previously that he had a clot as well, but I'm not sure. Not being there and getting information handed down is kind of confusing.  Anyway, he also has a tumor that is attached to the wall of his brain. I don't know if it's stage whatever, and I'm not sure if they've even determined that.

Tomorrow, the doctors are going to place a balloon in the left side of his brain by running it up through his neck. They will inflate the balloon to stop the blood flow to that side and see if Papa can function without blood flow to that side. If it works and he can function, they will place a stent in on Thursday. I'm not 100% certain, but I think their goal is to cut off the blood supply to the aneurysm and tumor. This is all if the test is successful. If not, I'm not sure what they will recommend. It's quite possible that even if their planned course of treatment works, he will still have double vision.

Mom said that Papa seems very positive. She said he told her that I didn't need to fly in, but that I needed to stay here where I could talk to Joe. I seriously started crying. My Papa is so sweet. I think that this tumor/aneurysm thing has caused him to have uncharacteristic mood swings and actions for the past few years (the doctors said it had been there for at least 2 years, possibly more). Papa also told Mom that he was at peace and that he knew God would take care of him. She thinks it's the drugs talking, but I know better. God will take care of him. I just hope that He doesn't take him home. Not yet.

This is when I hit a wall. Talking to Mom - who was clearly upset - and wishing Joe were here to hold me... I'd even take a phone call right now. Just hearing his soothing voice would help. I'm really hoping to hear his voice before I go to bed. Even if it's just for a few minutes. The song "Need You Now" by Lady Antebellum is creeping into my mind right now. Gotta love country music and its sometimes-sappy/lonely lyrics.

{I've never embedded a video before so I'm sorry if it doesn't work.}

I did manage to make myself dinner (chicken quesadillas). I think I'm going to give myself a little bit of medicine (the kind made by Ben & Jerry) and see what's on TLC. I think I have an addiction...

If you would take a minute and pray for my family, I would really appreciate it. My mom is trying to hold things together for Nana, who is refusing to eat. {Gotta say I don't blame her, but it's not good for her.} Mom's dealing with everything, Papa is sick, and I'm sure Nana is just about heart broken. I'm barely hanging in there with a husband halfway around the world. My brother just went through a rough breakup and the death of a close friend. I think we're all about to go crazy. Dad, on the other hand, is Mr. Tough Guy. I love my dad, but he's not the sympathetic kind. So, I'm not sure how much support he's going to be for Mom. Please, just pray for us. I know it's probably killing Joe that he's not here for me. So, say a prayer for him too.

 Thank you so much for your sweet comments and support. I hope you know how much it means to me.