Seeing the Light & Unraveling the Lies

When you go through hard times, the people who love you and the people who don't become clearly marked. They show themselves whether they mean to or not. 

If you've been a follower for a while, you know that my life has been forever marked by the loss of our daughter, Eleanor. She was born sleeping on September 22, 2015. Her name, Eleanor, means light. I feel that it is only because of her that I now see the people who raised me for who they truly are. 

Without going into too much detail as to what happened after Eleanor passed away, suffice it to say that my mother and stepfather showed themselves. My mother, especially, behaved irrationally and erratically. For someone in deep, deep grief this was extremely difficult to handle. Several months after losing Eleanor, she would be the person to ask me, "are you sure you want more kids?" Not only did this feel like a knife in the heart after our loss, but I had also just found out that I was pregnant again. I didn't tell her about my pregnancy for 2 more months. When I did tell her - or rather, Charlotte told her - I was met with a cold, blank stare. She never said "congratulations." She never said she was excited. There was nothing. It was chilling and disturbing.

Not too much time passed by before I stumbled upon an article about Narcissistic Rage, and how damaging it can be to children. This article very accurately described my mother and stepfather. I was intrigued, so I did more research. I spent most of the next few weeks digging up articles on Narcissistic mothers and fathers. In doing so, I discovered the truth of my past.

I was verbally and emotionally abused 

throughout my childhood, adolescence, 

and adulthood. 

My parents are Narcissistic. 

While digging through boxes after our most recent move, I discovered journals I'd kept in middle school, high school, and college. In them there is a theme of, "what did I do wrong," "why are they treating me this way," "I shouldn't have said anything," "why can't they understand," "I wish I could make things better." Reading these entries have made it all the more obvious. 

I blamed myself for their bad attitudes, cruel speech, and erratic behavior. They grounded me for "bad grades" (in reality they were never under C), tossed me out on the side of the road for saying something I shouldn't, yelled at me for any and everything I did, and threatened physical violence. They taught me to blame myself. They told me how bad I was -- I had a bad attitude, I was ungrateful, lazy, forgetful, and "too book smart" to care for myself. "Oh, you're smart, but you don't have enough common sense to save your life." I was stupid, ungrateful, and "just like [my] father." If only I could be better, they wouldn't treat me that way. 

The TRUTH is that I was a child. Full stop. Children make mistakes. Children having difficulty learning sometimes. Children need someone to guide and help them. 

As a teenager and adult, they have been unable to understand me and/or my decisions. Instead of questioning, they ridiculed. They alienated me from friends that they didn't like. They twisted my friends' words and actions so I'd believe that they either didn't like me, or that they were a bad influence. Instead of teaching me conflict resolution, they told me I was "better off without them." 

They interfered in my romantic relationships in college, convincing me somehow that one of them didn't love me. (When I spoke to him about this much later, he told me the exact opposite.) They told me that I would never find someone to put up with me. I had such a bad attitude that only they could possibly love me. But if I didn't behave the way they wanted, they would kick me out.

While Joe and I were dating, a situation arose that they literally could not understand. I had told them I was leaving it up to God. Being that we went to church for as long as I could remember, I had thought that they would understand this. The opposite was true. They could not even fathom that I was not doing a single thing to resolve this issue. Oh, I was praying, but I wasn't doing anything. For weeks (no exaggeration) they ridiculed me. "Oh, it's a 'God thing', huh? What does that even mean? What are you doing? Have you done this? Have you done that? WHY NOT?!" 

When Joe and I decided we were going to move to North Carolina after we were married, it only got worse. They threatened to kick me out. They told me they would PAY ME to leave now (2 months prior to our wedding). My mother got mad about something (I don't remember what) and told me she didn't want to shop for wedding dresses with me. I didn't take her that weekend and went with my maid of honor instead. Afterward, my mother was extremely furious....that I didn't take her. If you're confused reading this, imagine how it felt to live it. 

I've come to believe now that all of this abuse 

took place for two reasons: 

1) they have a serious mental issue. 

2) they do not believe in God, 

are not saved....and I am.

Jesus told them, “If God were your Father, you would love me, because I have come to you from God. I am not here on my own, but he sent me. Why can’t you understand what I am saying? It’s because you can’t even hear me! For you are the children of your father the devil, and you love to do the evil things he does. He was a murderer from the beginning. He has always hated the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he lies, it is consistent with his character; for he is a liar and the father of lies. So when I tell the truth, you just naturally don’t believe me! John 8:42-45 {NLT}

 ...they [the unbelievers] are resentful and surprised that you do not [think like them, value their values and] run [hand in hand] with them into the same excesses of dissipation and immoral freedom, and they criticize and abuse and ridicule you and make fun of your values. 1 Peter 4:4 [AMP]

They couldn't understand my decisions to leave things to God, so they abused and ridiculed me. They couldn't understand my decision to follow my future husband, so they abused me. When I was a child, I was trusting and loving. They could easily feed me lies and they would become my truth. 

I am of God, so they abused me. They couldn't understand me so they abused me. They are children of the father of lies, so they created lies and taught me to believe them. BUT. GOD. He saved me. He loves me. He protected me because I AM HIS.

All of this has always been true. It was only after losing Eleanor that I was finally able to see it. Loss changes you in ways I could never have imagined. While I would much rather have my baby girl with me, I am grateful that God used her death to free me from the abuse I'd experienced throughout my life. I may have come to it eventually without losing her, but we'll never know. Since her loss was the catalyst for all of this....I can only be grateful for that part of it. 

You may be wondering why I'm sharing this. Honestly, I've debated sharing all of this, too. I finally came to the conclusion that it needs to be shared not just for people like me to know that they aren't alone, but so the world can see what God has done FOR me. So they can see that He can change their lives, their circumstances, and their hearts. I was in danger of becoming just like the people who raised me. But God. He changed me; He saved me. It is because of Him that I am where I am today. Despite all the hardships, I am grateful for the change in my life and heart.

Living in the "After"

It's been a year since the last time I blogged. Honestly it doesn't even seem like it was that long ago, yet here we are. So much has changed since then.... Where do we even begin?

There is now a moment in my life - a day that separates the before and the after. Once you're in the after you can't go back to the before. And really...you don't want to. No matter how much the after hurts and you wish it would change, there IS no going back. 

That day was September 22, 2015. The day our third daughter, Eleanor Rosalie, was born still. 

I have relived the events of the day in my mind so often that there is no need for me to recount them here. It was a busy, horrible, shocking, terrifying, and fast day. There was no preparation, no time to process. It just happened. Suddenly. 

One moment I was a normal pregnant mama excited about her new baby (while also being thoroughly exhausted). And the next.....I simply was not.

Nothing was normal.

Nothing will ever be "normal" again.

Life in the "after," quite frankly, sucks. 

Nearly 7 months later, the pain isn't quite as raw. It's still there...lurking, hiding, waiting to be awoken by any number of triggers, but it's not as fresh. Dare I say it's manageable some days?

Many have commented "I don't know how you do it" or "How do you get out of bed?" Honestly? I don't even know. You just do. When you have two other healthy, living, breathing children vying for your attention, you just do. You do the next thing. You make and/or have breakfast. You wash clothes, because you still have to wear something. You eat, because people have brought you dinner. Inexplicably, against all your feelings, you continue to live. Without your baby.

You look at pictures from before and wonder who you were. How were you that happy? Will you ever be that happy again?

You live moment to moment. You panic over normal things. You hover over your living children, terrified something will take them from you, too. You even do irrational things like buy new a carseat, because you're convinced the one you have isn't good enough. You dread even getting in the car. You have a panic attack at your next doctor's appointment. You were there before.

Yet somehow....you laugh again. You play with your kids again. Little by little you do things you did in the before. But it's different. It will always be different. 

Life in the after is hard. It's full of anxiety and spur of the moment grief. It's full of happy moments, too, because now you appreciate them even more. You look for ways to make a difference, to give back, while struggling through the pain...just to give some sort of meaning - some sort of legacy - to your child's short life. 

In some ways, I'm still the same as I was before. I still enjoy many of the things I once did. But in many, many other ways, the after has changed me. My heart is different; it needs protection and care. My thoughts are different. My actions are different. 

I can't be the same. 

That was before.

This is after.

I am forever changed by the short life of a little girl I never really got to meet, Eleanor Rosalie. 

Highs and Lows

For the most part, Joe and I had a good weekend. We didn't do much, but sometimes I think that's the best. Saturday afternoon we went to see a movie {Underworld. Warning if you go see it: lots and lots of gore. More than usual for those movies.} and then I somehow talked him into going to Ross with me. Hehehe. =) He said that since we were on a date he had to, but we all know he could have easily said no. =) Anyway. My goal was to get some cheap frames for Charlotte's room, but you just can't help but look while you're there!!

Backing up a bit, I got these cute prints in the mail last week... Which is why I needed frames. =)

I was shocked at how quickly they got here! {I ordered them from an Etsy seller in Indonesia. I guess being in the Pacific helps.} And I fell in love with them... More than when I just saw them on Etsy!

We got really lucky at Ross and ended up with 4 frames and a figurine for her room - all for $40! I was {and still am} really excited to get all of it... So much so that I came home and put the prints in the frames. =P

Don't you just love them?! Minus the stickers that sill need to be taken off, of course. I can't wait for Joe to hang them up!!! ;-)

Apparently I was feeling rather nest-y today... I was busy all morning with house cleaning. Then this afternoon I felt the sudden need to rearrange some things in the almost-nursery. {Almost because there are still things that need to be moved from that room. Soon!}

First, I made a little book holder/organizer out of a cereal box to hold some kids' books I found in the closet this weekend.

Cut the cereal box, pick out some scrapbook paper, get out the modge podge and voila! Something to hold your books/magazines. =) And yeah, I totally got the idea from Pinterest...

While I was in there working on her room, I decided it'd be a good time to dust. So I dusted the entire wardrobe before putting all the fun nicknacks on it. Nesting is serious business!!

This is the figurine we found at Ross!! It was $11 and they took a little bit off the price since it's a bit damaged. I love it and couldn't leave the store without it. Seriously, I had to talk Joe into letting me get it because it's damaged. I'm going to try to cover that little white spot with some acrylic paint... I'm hopeful. =)

This is the finished product of the wardrobe. Ok, mostly finished. I need/want to order another print to put in that large frame and it'll really be done. I'm so excited to be getting so much done in her room. I'm starting to get anxious about her arrival... I really want to have everything put together soon!

Amid all of the excitement surrounding this little one's arrival {plus our date}, we got a bit of sad news this weekend. My mom called while we were in church on Sunday to let me know that my aunt passed away.

My aunt and uncle {far right} at our wedding. 

It's a hard, very sad thing... She was only 55 and while she'd been having health problems for a while, I feel confident saying no one saw this coming. She passed away with my uncle holding her hand and all her children {plus one grandchild} standing just outside the room. My uncle is {according to my mom} very numb right now, which I can imagine is a very normal reaction. I was pretty upset after I got word, but I am taking comfort in the fact that she's Home with Jesus and family that went before her and she's feeling no pain.

While I wish I could be there, I think it's probably a good thing for me that I can't be. I know it would be hard to see my - usually very happy and energetic - uncle so sad. My mom is going up on Wednesday, I believe, and I'm hoping that he'll feel up to talking on Skype. Anyway. Just please keep my family in your prayers this week. As upsetting as it is for me, I can't imagine how my uncle and cousins are feeling.