I don't know about you, but I over-analyze ev-er-y-thing. Everything. Past conversations, events, things I wore, stupid mistakes and everything in between are criticized minutes, hours, days and weeks later. Only lately have a realized that this is not a good habit to have. And I don't know how to stop it.
Sadly, it almost drives me crazy. Yes. I drive myself crazy with all these over-analyzing thoughts. Did I do this right? Did I say this right? Should I have done this? Why didn't I do that? How could I do this? It goes on all the time. Oh, sure, I get breaks while reading, watching TV, volunteering and sleeping. Other than that the analytical thoughts happen a lot. Since it's getting to me, I think I'm beginning to realize that this habit is doing a whole lot more harm than good. We've all said it once or twice before...
I'm my own worst enemy.
If that isn't the truth, I don't know what is. I don't think anyone is as hard on me as I am. When I really think hard about it, I am downright mean to myself. Always thinking that I said something stupid or did something stupid, wore something that made me look fat... These thoughts make me extremely self-conscious, to the point where I sometimes don't say anything in groups because I'm afraid it will sound stupid. Or I change clothes 3 times before I leave the house because I think it makes me look fat/ridiculous. Deep down I know these things aren't 100% true, but why can't I convince myself of that?
I've prayed and prayed about it. I've tried to become more aware of when I'm doing it so that I can stop, but that only seems to make it worse. Because then I'm fully aware of everything I do and say... I think it's been getting worse lately. Honestly, I think it gets worse when Joe is deployed/not around. That doesn't even make a whole lot of sense to me, but it's true. I don't know why his presence would effect that... Maybe he reassures me better than I reassure myself? I don't know.
What I do know is that I have got to find a way to stop this. I think I've always been this way and...to be honest, I think this behavior was helped out by the attitudes of my family. I don't really want to get into it, but my family is very...critical. I suppose it only makes sense that I would be even harder on myself because of that. Anyway.
Last year, my MIL mentioned a Bible study she was doing. I don't know how we got on the subject, but I told her that I thought it was interesting and she said she'd try to get a book for me. That was about a year ago. As I've been thinking about my thought processes, the book she gave me came to mind.
It's been hanging out in a drawer in my bedroom since we moved in last year. I think it's about time that I started this Bible study. I read the intro and part of Day 1 this morning, and the idea behind it is to figure out what lies you're telling yourself and replace them with God's truth. The truth about who He is and who I am in Him. One of the verses that keeps coming to mind when I have those negative thoughts is this:
Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things. - Philippians 4:8
So, tonight I'm going to start this Bible study. I'm really looking forward to getting rid of this bad habit and - as the author says - cleaning out my thought closet.
I was thinking of maybe sharing this study with y'all on the blog once a week, but I wasn't sure what you would think of that. Would you be interested in going through this study with me? Or would you rather just be updated on how it's going? {'Cause that's probably going to happen whether you want it to or not. =P} Let me know!!
And don't forget to enter my super-awesome book giveaway!
