It's not often that I hit a wall, but with deployment I suppose it's bound to happen every once in a while. And in true Sarah fashion, I didn't really see this one coming. {Read: I'm a klutz and run into actual walls on a regular basis, so this is no surprise.}
I suppose this morning's chat with Joe should have been my first clue, but I never noticed it. I don't even know what spurred it. All of a sudden, I found myself telling my husband that I felt like I have absolutely no purpose right now. It's different when he's home. I have him to take care of, along with the house and all that goes with that. When he's gone? It's just the house, the laundry, the dishes and Jasper. Woo. Oh, and the volunteering thing. As my sweet husband always does, he did his best to tell me how great I am and how he couldn't do what he does (especially when he's deployed) without me. While his words warm my heart, they don't exactly give me anything to do. {Sorry, sweetheart.}
I recognize that there are several things causing this problem.
{one} I don't have a job nor do I desire to have one right now. That may make me seem lazy, but that's not my intention. I don't want to get a job "just to have a job." Unfortunately, I think I've come to the conclusion that I don't really want to teach. I'm definitely qualified for it (degree and teacher's license), but I'm not sure my heart is in it. I do love kids and I most definitely love history, but I'm not sure that "marrying" the two are what's best for ME. I've already had jobs that were just there to pay the bills. It makes me cranky. When I worked at Chili's, it got to the point where I completely dreaded going to work. I don't want that again. I really love volunteering at the museum - even if it doesn't pay or end up on my resume. (Hey, that rhymes! ;-)) And right now, I need something that's flexible. If I'm sick, no biggie. If I need to pick up and fly across the ocean, I don't have to ask for time off or worry about not getting paid. I just go. I'll admit that sometimes I feel like I'm not "earning my keep," but I'm married. My husband's money is my money too. He earns it so that I am free to do what I want to do, whether that's working or not.
{two} Baby fever. I know that if I had a baby, I'd have a purpose - a reason to not have a job and a reason to stay home.
The fever is at an all-time high at this point. Every-freakin-body is pregnant. And the few who aren't just had babies...or maybe they're trying. Me? Nada. I want to be pregnant; I want to have a baby. However, that's not quite possible when my hubby is on the other side of the world. I find myself wanting to read books about getting pregnant, being pregnant, raising kids... At church on Sunday, they announced that they're having a parenting class via DVD with James Dobson and I really wanted to sign up for it. {Still do, actually.} I want to be prepared, I want to learn. I've downloaded "fertility" apps on my phone... The fact that I'm working on projects my nephew who's due in May probably doesn't help either.
The combination of {one} and {two} just makes me want to scream: When is it my turn?! When do I get to have my husband home?! When do I get to have a baby?! When do I get to have the life that I want - that I desire?
Enter number {three}.
I've been struggling with talking to God about this. Or anything, really, lately. I know that God has a plan and a purpose for me... I do know that. It's kind of hard to explain how I feel. While I know that God has plans for me, I also have a hard time figuring out what they are. Now, I know God isn't going to say, "Ok, Sarah. This is my plan for you. So, I need you to go here and do this. Then you go here, and do this." It doesn't quite work like that, unfortunately.
I know that God wants to use me for something, even if it's not something big. Like most people, when I'm frustrated with someone I tend to either avoid them completely or only talk to them about certain things. And when I'm frustrated with my life, and the answers God has (or hasn't) given me... I tend to avoid Him. It's not good for me...and I know that. I'm human, and God knows that. At some point I have to realize that, hey, I really can't go this alone. I really do need His help. After all, he is stronger when I'm at my weakest and recognize that I can.not. do this by myself. And He'll wait until I reach that breaking point - whenever that may be - because that's just who He is.
So, you see, 1 plus 2 really does equal 3.
And {three} is the big, fat wall that I walked into earlier. Missing my husband, staring at his picture on my phone, I realized that - crap - deployment is hard and it freakin' sucks. Maybe it's time that I remembered that needing help - especially from God - is totally okay.
