I feel like someone hit the "pause" button on my life when this deployment started.
I go back and forth on being okay with this. Most of the time, I've got this. Joe and I talk usually every day, just long enough to see how each other is doing. I go about my day and he goes about his. Once a week we really get to talk. That's his day off. And how long we talk depends on if his internet wants to cooperate that day or not. I've decided that his internet is conspiring against us. On, off. On, off. On, off. Grr.
Honestly, today was a pretty good day. Right up until I decided I'd watch a couple movies on Netflix Instant. My husband's Skype messages woke me up and we chatted for...10 minutes? before we got cut off. I had breakfast, read some blogs and watched Narnia. Sometimes ABC Family is good to me. =P I had lunch, I showered (yeah, in that order) and then I got busy.
I baked goodies to send to my husband for 2 hours today. Nope, not kidding! I also made him a little something last night. I'd share all the goodies in his package, but I'm trying to surprise him. You'll see when he gets the package. Promise.
After all my baking, I sat down. Around dinner time, I was bored with Saturday TV. Let's face it: after football season, Saturday TV sucks. The End. So, I decided I'd browse Netflix for some movies. During dinner I watched The Proposal. A smart woman would have known better than to watch a romantic comedy. I watched anyway. 3/4 of the way in, I was regretting it with thoughts like "Crap. I miss my husband." I did manage to distract myself with some puppy cuddling and serious nerdiness:
By the time that movie was over, it was still early and I wasn't feeling the craftiness. Movie #2 happened by sheer accident. I was trying to look at my instant queue, but kept hitting the wrong buttons on the Xbox controller. *sigh* This happens more than I'd like. Instead, I ended up browsing the "new movies." I came across The Last Song, which was originally a Nicholas Sparks book. I'm pretty sure I've confessed my love for his books before. Not feeling like searching for anything else, I hit play.
Bad idea.
I must have forgotten that I cried through the last 1/4 of the book. Movies are shorter, so I cried through the last half of it. It's a sad story and Aunt Flo is hanging out with me right now. Combine that with deployment and missing my husband and what do you get?
A bucket of post-movie tears.
I feel like my life is on hold. I miss my husband... Those words don't really do the pain justice. He's not here for me to simply talk to. He's not here for me to vent my frustrations to. He's not here for me to pick up after. He's not here to make fun of me when I cry during movies...which makes me stop crying. He's not here to hold me when I'm upset.
At the end of the day, he's just not here. And it sucks.
The Last Song is set in North Carolina. So, not only is the movie sad it made me want to go home. Bad. I didn't grow up in North Carolina, but after living there for 1.5 years it's home. Before that, I'd always wanted to see NC, thanks to Nicholas Sparks. The books that once made me want to visit now make me want to go home.
Sure, I can experience things while he's gone. I can make new friends; I can go places. I can, I can, I can. It's just not the same. While I know this won't last forever, I feel like this deployment sure is taking its sweet time. Maybe it's just the after-R&R effect. I don't know.
Right now, in this moment... My husband is gone. I want to go home. I don't want to do this. Can I have my husband back, please? Hit the "play" button so I can get back to living happily again. My life just doesn't feel...right...without him.
