It meaning baby fever and Murphy. Yes, both in one day.
First, it was the pregnancy announcements on Facebook. You really just gotta love Facebook sometimes, right? Great for keeping you in touch with people and even better about hitting you in the stomach with feelings. I hate to say it, but this deployment has made me into a jealous - sometimes bitter - woman. I try so hard not to act that way, but the truth is I'm jealous.
How could I not be, though? Deployment has taken my everything. Everything being my husband, best friend and other half - not to mention even the chance to have a baby. Is it really any wonder that I'm jealous? Jealous of women who have their husbands home and will never have to wonder what a night without them would be like. Jealous of women whose husbands may be out of town...but are sleeping safe and soundly in a cushy hotel room. Jealous of women who have the chance {even if it doesn't happen} to have a baby. Jealous of women who are pregnant.
My head knows that it's impossible for me to even think about being pregnant right now. Telling my heart that is a different story. My heart doesn't care that there's no way I could get pregnant. It still wants a baby - a pregnancy. My head knows my husband has a job to do in the sandbox and he won't be home until he's home. My heart doesn't understand that. It doesn't understand that he has to work - that he has to be gone to do his job. It wants to spend time with him, to hold him and to tell him I love him in person.
As if all these feelings weren't enough to deal with for one day, Murphy decided it was a good time to play tricks on me. I worked out {hard} hoping that I could shove those feelings aside for a while. You know, work out my anger. I almost succeeded until I went to get in the shower. There was a spider on the floor. Luckily I had the Raid handy, so I sprayed it. No biggie. I opened the shower to turn on the water, and there it was. Another, bigger, spider. It scared me, I panicked and accidentally shoved the shower curtain back so hard that the rod fell down. Scaring me yet again. Once I sprayed that one, I saw another spider on the wall behind the toilet. At this point I screamed and yelled, "Oh my God!!!!" I sprayed that one and all but ran out of the bathroom. Enter tears. Many, many tears. Not only had my heart been attacked, but the rest of me as well. All I could think was "Why isn't my husband here?!?!!" as I cried and leaned my head up against the wall. I tried to call my mom in hopes of regaining control over myself, but she didn't answer.
Apparently, God wanted me to deal with this on my own and realize that what the Enemy likes to do the most is beat you while you're down. And dang it if he isn't really good at his job. Slowly, I started to dispose of the dead spiders {except for the one I couldn't find} and got in the shower. Of course, every other second I was looking around checking for more spiders. Thankfully, my day got better...but I'm still not fully recovered. I'm still worried about finding spiders in the bathroom {or anywhere else, really} and my heart still really wants a baby...and my husband back. {Though not in that order.} I'm so glad we don't have much longer to go until he comes home. My heart can't take much more separation.
