I know I'm just having one of those moments, but no one is here to listen to me. 95% of the US is in a wonderful coma and my husband is on the other side of the world working for freedom. Since no one can listen, I write.
I hate this. I hate feeling and thinking "I've got this; I'm superwoman," and realizing later that I'm really not. I hate it when I stop and have a moment to actually realize that I'm freakin' miserable without my husband here. He's my best friend. The only one I know without a doubt that I can trust with anything I say. I don't ever worry what he thinks if I say something stupid or walk into a wall. I know those things don't matter to him. Everyone else, though? I just don't know.
I hate coming home to an empty house. After the brigade meeting last night, I actually expected him to be sitting on the couch when I got home. Really. I did. That doesn't happen too often. I hate sleeping in an empty bed {although I might change my mind about that when he comes home}.
Most of all, I hate not having someone to talk to all hours of the day. Talking to Jasper just isn't quite as fun, even though he is a phenomenal listener.
This might be Debbie Downer talking, but sometimes I really wonder... If I'm such a great, fun person to be around...why am I always at home? I know the door of friendship opens both ways, but I'm not exactly what you'd call an extrovert. I'm socially awkward. Translation: if you wanna hang out with me, you're probably going to have to ask me to do something. I don't invite myself to people's houses. If I do think "Hey, I wanna hang out with ___ today," I usually talk myself out of making the call/text thinking they've already got something planned/are too busy. That's just me. And maybe that's why I've been sitting by myself at home for God knows how long. Maybe I only have myself to blame. It sucks and I just. can't. help it.
K from the museum told me about a month ago that being married spoiled me...because I always had/have someone to do things with. Yeah, probably so. But when your husband is your best friend, why would you really need to spend a lot of time with other people? No awkward moments, no wondering what the other person thinks...you just go and do and live. And that all works fine...in the civilian world.
I feel like I'm rambling. I probably am. Like I said, I'm tired. Physically, mentally and emotionally. I'm sure it really doesn't help that I haven't heard my husband's voice in over a week now. I know it's almost over, but right now it doesn't feel like I can make it another minute. I can't wait for this to be over.
If you've made it this far without clicking over to the next blog on your reader list, thanks. =)
Much less depressing post tomorrow, I promise. I just needed to write it all out.
